worst ; gawsten

four

He's gorgeous when he sleeps.

He's beautiful all the time, but particularly serene when he's off in another world. Eyes closed, eyelashes brushing gently against his cheeks, peaceful smile on his face, he's calm and relaxed and safe, and it is the best breath of fresh air.

Geoff's bunk is right across Awsten's. When Awsten cries at night he gets the full auditory experience. No matter how high he turns the volume up on his phone he can always hear the choked, gut-wrenching sobs, the guttural cries that take every ounce of his self-control not to confront Awsten about.

There are dried tear tracks on his cheeks and his hair is sticking up in clumps, but he looks like he's having a good dream. He looks like he's in a world better than the real one, a world where he's not fighting with his best friend who completely overstepped every boundary they've set over the past six years.

Awsten is fragile. He's too stubborn and has too much pride to admit it, but his exterior is made of glass that's dangerously close to shattering. He functions through a series of timed breakdowns, forcing himself to be on and okay all day and letting himself fall apart all night. It's unhealthy and awful and exhausting and Geoff wishes he would just admit he needs help. He can't do this alone and it doesn't make him weak or helpless; it makes him human.

During the day, you'd almost think nothing was wrong. He's perfected his act so when they do interviews or meet fans or go out to eat it seems like he's fine. And he is, in the moment. He's fine until everything stops and they're in the bus driving eight hours and he has time to think and one thing leads to another and then he's breaking down again.

And fuck, Geoff wishes he didn't do that, wishes he went about coping in a healthier way, wishes he wasn't such a fucking workaholic because that is the bane of Awsten's existence. He is obsessed with his work and sometimes that's a good thing but most of the time it's sacrificing sleep and not confronting emotions and bottling everything up and forcing himself to get over things that take time. It's not living, it's just surviving, surviving until a breakdown, surviving until the bottle of emotion gets too full and pops its top and everything goes to shit.

Geoff wishes he'd talk about things more. When it comes to feelings he shuts down and yeah, he writes about them, but that's still burying himself inside his head and being overwhelmed by how bad he feels. Mad All The Time is a fan favorite but people don't really listen to the lyrics because if they did they'd realize how physically and emotionally and mentally draining songwriting is for Awsten. The pretty melodies and genius lyrics don't come out of nowhere.

None of this is news to him. Awsten has been this way for years, since before they were friends, probably his entire life. It's not new and it's not out of the ordinary and he shouldn't have called Awsten on it the way he did because all that accomplished was pushing him further away. If he knows they're all looking at him like they think he's gonna break he's gonna put even more effort into seeming fine when he's not so basically Geoff just fucked things up even more than they already are.

Awsten looks so good, all the time. With his lilac hair and new necklace and those big sweaters he drapes himself in, he's fucking adorable. And every night on stage, he's growling into the microphone and giggling like mad and making fun of the audience and Geoff is running back and forth across the stage because it's the only way to keep the last shred of self-control.

And then there are the nights he wears tank tops that show off his muscles and his hair drips into his eyes and he's downright irresistible. And it takes every last ounce of reserve not to slam him into a wall and kiss him like there's no tomorrow.