The Way You Should Love Me

Chapter 1: "Sleep isn't just sleep, it's an escape..."

Sometimes when I say "i'm okay", I want him to look at me in the eyes, hug me tight, and say, "I know you're not."

All I have to do is look at Jacob. One look at him can just clear my mind like the clearest of skies. He clears my mind from being emotionally done, mentally drained, and spiritually dead. I call that them the Four D Equation. Every time I have my relapse of my depression, I basically get blindsided by them. Like I am all of the sudden hit by a fucking wave of darkness. 

Jacob, he deals with it all the time...he's my best friend, I talk him out of all the shit he thinks about doing to harm himself. Jacob is my good looking best friend that everyone usually has. He has shaggy blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes. When he smiles when i'm around him, one dimple is bigger than the other dimple on his face. Jacob is just a bit taller than me around 5'7 1/2, I am 5'7 i'm a "shorty" compared to him. 

Whenever Jacob and I are feeling down or depressed, we face-time each other every night. We talk about how we are feeling and give each other advice. His favorite thing to say is "naaassstyyyy" when we are talking about dirty stuff or looking up jokes about sex, blow-jobs, and  pussy sucking. I think it's kind of ironic that he says that, that stuff is nasty even though he lost his virginity when he was going into sixth grade. 

You're probably thinking what about you Jasmine, what about you? I haven't lost my virginity...yet. I'm waiting for the "right person" to it with but, I have my ideas. 

Usually while we are face-timing we stay up so late till I fall asleep. I just feel as if sleep isn't just sleeping anymore, it's an escape. Jacob feels the same way too...I think, he really isn't open about his feelings...but neither am I. I look at Jacob's snapchat story it looks as if he is depressed again. He keeps on mentioning how this girl doesn't like him and he doesn't feel loved. Of course I know he is loved I mean I love him but, I would never tell him at I did. I pull up his name and message him just to see if he is okay.

"Hey Jacob, what's up?" I text hoping he answers.

"Everything Jazzy, I feel emotionally and mentally drained." Jacob replies as if someone just punched him in the gut.

"What happened?!" I quickly reply hoping he doesn't do anything stupid.  

"I guess I'm just going to quit talking and expressing my emotions on snapchat, no one cares anyway. But no words can explain the shit that's going through my mind at this moment, be right back." He replies, making me feel alarmed.

"Jacob don't go" I type with tears in my eyes.

No response...

"Jacob seriously." I say again trying not to get myself worked up.

Still no response...

"Jacob what the hell are you doing?!" I frantically type sobbing.

"Don't worry about me Jazzy, I am fine." Jacob replies and you can tell that he did something stupid.

"Jacob, I know you're not fine, what did you do?!" I question feeling he is hiding something.

"Nothing, Jazzy...don't worry about me." Jacob replies knowing I know what he is doing.

"I HAVE TO JACOB!" I basically screaming in pain at him through text message.

"Jazzy, you don't have too. I'm fine..." he states trying to reassure me that he is alright.

"Jacob, you're cutting yourself aren't you..." I reply knowing that's what it is.

"Maybe I don't know..." Jacob answers back hiding his feelings.

"Well, you should know pretty damn well if you are Jacob!" I am frustrated with him, why won't he except my help?

"Fine, I am so what no one cares about me." he replies with a sense of uncertainty. 

"Jacob, I care about you..." I reply knowing he's not going to believe me at all.

"Jazzy, don't worry about me...I am fine..." Jacob is not going to tell me the truth any time soon.

"How bad are you bleeding Jacob?" I ask hoping for an answer besides don't worry Jazzy.

"I don't know for sure...I am numb." he says knowing he has to tell me.

"Jacob look down at your arms..." I reply knowing he needs some assistance.

"Jazzy, I need help...help...I am scared." Jacob is now showing his emotions toward me.

"Do you have any tissues?" I ask

"Not right now..."he replies worrying even more.

"Any toilet paper?" I reply smiling because I said toilet paper.

"I can't get it my parents are asleep..."he states and I can tell he is crying.

I start to panic, "I don't know what to do..."

"Neither do I...my vision is getting fuzzy." Jacob states knowing i'm upset.

"Are you gonna try to sleep Jacob, i'll stay up with you if you want me to?" I ask knowing he needs it.

"Probably not Jazzy...no you need to go to sleep don't worry about me i'll be fine" he states and obviously I don't want to listen.

"Are you sure Jacob?" I ask even though I am very tired.

"Yes, Jazzy go to sleep..." Jacob says wearily.

"Fine, I will just promise me you'll try to go to bed too." I say...he needs his rest.

"I'll try Jazzy..." he says just to make me feel better.

"Text me around 6 in the morning if you're still up okay..."I tell him just so I can check on him in the morning.

"Okay, I will. Goodnight Jasmine." Jacob states as if he was actually trying to go to bed.

"Goodnight Jacob." I state as I plug my phone in the charger.

I something tells me, something interesting is about to happen to us. I just can't put my finger on it hopefully, I find out soon. I shut my eyes and slowly drift into a deep sleep thinking about Jacob.