B U T

Bring Me Joy.

Love stories are always overrated, or at least that's what I believe. The only way to find true love is in movies and books. Especially  books. They show you a world full of wonder and full of life.

As a kid I always loved books, I always loved romance, until I started actually living it. Life isn't like books, except if you are reading a history book, or maybe a biology book. Biology always could embrace the meaning of existence better than any of us. We are all series of chromosomes and DNA. Nothing special if you think about it. We all share the same DNA, but with a different phenotype, which translates that we only just look different.

We all have the same chemicals in our brains that make us feel. You will cry if you are sad or angry. You will be upset if your day goes wrong. You will be full with happiness when you eat your favorite food, or feel relief when you finally get to sleep after a very hard and long day. We are all the same, yet again we believe that we could be luckier in love, or we won't get hurt. We think we are special and we can take over the world when we are in love or we  just love.

But life doesn't work like that. Life is full with buts. 

As i write these thoughts on my notebook i quickly close it and put it in my bag.  I grab my suitcase and head to the street quickly enough to get a taxi and head to the airport, where my friend and I had decided to meet. Since the age of 9, I had always this immense love for England and especially the U.K, even when I didn't know where it was on the map. I always wanted to see Big Ben, and the London Eye, the city of dreams where everything seemed to happen. Or maybe it didn't.

As I unlock my phone, the words 23rd of December light up in a very sharp light that make my eyes whine since it's six in the morning. I am gonna celebrate my 18th birthday in London, I thought grinning in joy. I finally get into a cab, but all my thoughts that were written on paper have their value once again. Life isn't fair, and being in love doesn't make you immune to sadness. My phone lights up again, and I see a text from my mom.

"Have an amazing trip sweetie" 

My stomach hurts, my heart hurts, everything hurts as tears ruin my mascara. I am already feeling like missing home, i think sobbing as I reach my destination.

As I meet with my friend Helen, we both hug laughing but she sees my tears and puffy eyes.

"Is everything okay? Because i think it's not." 

"No,it's nothing it is just me feeling homesick,already." I sob once again.

The confident independent woman inside me slowly dying by the patriarchy. I can't believe a trip makes me cry that much. But at the same time I cry tears of happiness and pure joy. My heart is flattering with the thought of me finally being able to see this country up in close. My thoughts keep running fast in my brain wishing i could write them down, but I am very careful of what i write when I am with other people. It doesn't matter if I know them or not, when I write and express my inner self,I have to be completely alone. 

Heart is anatomically in the center of our chest, I think. The center of your body. The organ that makes everything work comletely. Nor your brain not your bones can make you actually move,if there isn't rich red blood in your veins-even the smallest ones, you cannot do anything. You are simply dead. Even when someone is brain dead, their blood still runs in them.

The  heart center of your emotional thoughts, where all the pieces fall into place and help you understand yourself and others. Because feelings matter as much as thoughts do. Because thoughts are what make us humans because we have the ability to think and speak. But heart is what makes us animals. People are animals too. Homo sapiens is an animal too. Meaning that heart gets triggered by all of our insticts and senses. Every little animalistic feeling triggers the heart. Pain triggers the heart. Love triggers the heart. Anger triggers the heart. It's always the heart. We rarely see that because we tend to overanalyze every little thing that happen in our lives. Our small and pointless lives,because we don't know how to live, we choose to just exist. To be numb, and emotionally damaged. Because this is easy. Because this is the egoistical need our humanity had since the very first day of our existence.