Eyes Are The Windows of the Soul

a bit of randomness 37

9/12/2017

Things have been much better lately. 

Today I got four blisters, from gardening. But I often get small injuries so it doesn't bother me. I found a baby snail today and some baby ladybugs. young ladybugs look weird. 

Is it weird that I like cleaning? The stuff that I use to clean the floors and walls ran out today, so I'm a bit annoyed at that. Mostly because I told mum that it was running out but she hasn't got more yet. 

8:00pm 

Yeah right. Everything's alright? I don't think so. I guess I've just told myself that so much that I start to believe it. And I tell other people that I'm alright because it's not something I really want to tell other people that because it's not something I really want to tell a lot of people and then when there is someone I want to tell I don't know what to say. I don't know what's wrong. I mean obviously something is but I don't know what. How am I supposed to fix something if I don't know where the issue is? All I can do is shut people out. I don't think I even really let them in. I'm often all on my own anyway. I like being home alone most of the time, social interactions are tiring. 

I'm not the older sister that my little brother wants me to be and if I mention the slightest bit about me being/feeling like a guy he shuts it down with a quick "you're a girl" or "you're not a boy". He can be so mean. He's the meanest 10 year old I've ever met and he's my brother figures. The funny thing is that because he grew up with three girls he loves clothes shopping and he's said before that he wants to wear a skirt. 

My mum doesn't like it when I put my music out loud. She always says to stop it. It kinda hurts. It's like she's saying she doesn't like the things I do and basically just telling me that it's stupid and I'm stupid for liking something like that. Maybe it's just me but that's what it feels like she's saying. 

And when Simeon says things like he does about my gender and sexuality it really hurts. My gender is something that causes me a lot of grief and it cuts really deep. It feels like I can't just be me. It's like I'm completely covered in heavy chains and everyday is a fight to break free. Sometimes I get close but I never quite manage it. 

About mum not liking my music it would be understandable if they were horrible songs and all. But most of them have no or little swearing and a lot of them are motivational. They have amazing lyrics and if you actually listen they really make you think. 

I like thinking about stuff. But I feel like I can't share my thoughts with anyone. The only way I seem to be able to really share much is if I write in down on pen and paper first. It is so hard to say things to people face to face. I've always struggled with it. Some people seem to be able to speak their mind so easily. I've always wondered how they did that, for me it's near impossible. I suppose I'm just broken. 

Sometimes when I'm home by myself it's like I'm the only person in the world. I'm not sure if I like that or not. 

I hope that wherever people go after they die has lots of garden beds and big shady trees. I really love gardening. I'm sure people go somewhere after they die. I wonder if I'll see my half-brother there. I hope I do, I miss him. 

Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't do it though. It feels like giving up and I detest surrender of that kind. 

I never realized how many songs about love or loving someone I have in my playlist. I also have a lot of songs about being what you want to be and such. I guess those are two of the things I think of the most. 

I'm really tired and seeing that it's now 9pm I'm gonna check out now. Bye until next time. 

~I do actually write down these things before posting them. Sorry I'm a slow updater and tend to put off posting new segments. So to anyone who actually reads and likes these little diary entry things I've been doing, please accept my apology. Adrian.