You cannot save me

1

A little boat sailing across the seas. Its not yet rocky. It is still standing.

I rarely feel alright. I rarely feel like I like I fit in. And I rarely trust a smile. A female spider eats her mate after a mating. I wish females had the same power in this race. We feel scared to walk alone somewhere in the dark. Afraid of someone that might come out behind a corner and just jump out and take us. Have you ever thought of being kidnapped? Have you ever watched those documentaries about victims of kidnappings or saw them on the news? The pain that someone can cause to another person is sometimes too much. 

If you can relate you can either keep on reading or stop right here if you feel uncomfortable. Because someone like me isn't capable of doing much. I am unwell. I have to be watched 24/7. But this is a warning, a caution, something you can keep in mind or something you can help someone. 

I am walking. I can feel little droplets from the sky. I can see tombstones whenever I go. I need to go. I cannot take this place. Especially when this is your daily route and you suffer from depression. Mum says its quite severe. But its not like I care. I don't care about anything. I am constantly on my feet. Feeling panicked. But it's not like anyone cares. You might feel pity when you read this. But you can't do anything about mental illnesses, right? 

It was a quiet walk through the cemetery. Walking up on the big hill for 15 mins while its raining. Luckily that boat is still on calm seas. But there are minor winds, rattling the sail. Oh well, I bet it's nothing too severe. I'm just going to wait it off. I keep on walking, staring at those dark grey clouds. Just keep on walking. 

I feel a shiver up my spine. Its getting quite stormy, isn't it? Oh great, what I need to this mood. Hail. Nothing better walking through the cold whaling winds, listening to the thunder drum and feeling the pain of the spiking hail. 

I watch a few mechanics rushing around, gathering their stuff and quickly packing it up. And there's me, slowly taking their time in the "lovely" weather. 

I didn't realize how close I was until I saw my driveway only from a few meters away. I just took my time getting there cause there was no point in running there. I don't care if I freeze to death. I don't care if the lightening strikes me. I don't care about anything. 

I dislike this dog. The small white and black thing that greets me when I walk up the driveway. She. Is. Annoying. 

Getting the keys to unlock the front door. I kept on thinking about her.I am just thinking. why? Why  what? Why do you think I do that? This is annoying. I can't believe I got her voice stuck in my head. Thoughts about her keep on circling in my head. Just please go away! I don't need you! I am fine! The thoughts attack me and I just stood there making myself a warm drink while I ignore that I'm hyperventilating. More panic arises  in me. Please just go away. Just leave me alone. Now I'm starting to think about her question. why?  

A flashback of a little girl. And a tall, slim Indian boy. He looks like he is 16. No. What is he doing? No, I don't want this! Someone save me! I can't do this. 

My phone buzzes. It's from Anita. Eat!.  

Now my boat is beyond the rocky seas but not yet sinking.