Literally Just Rants

Rant l: why i cant love yet

   I've been single my entire, short life. And while that doesn't entirely bother me, sometimes it's lonely.
   Don't get me wrong, I don't need to have someone to tell me I'm special, beautiful, etc, and I've learned that through being single my whole life. I've learned self empowerment and that's great.
   I remember when I was maybe 10/11 and my dad told me I couldn't date until I was 15. That seemed like way too long to me and I would always say I wouldn't stick to that and I'd have a boyfriend before then. But now that the time has past, I realized I did stick to it. I guess some part of me wanted a boyfriend when I was 11, like 11 year olds do.
   And since I've discovered my sexuality I've always pictured myself with a girl now even if I am still attracted to boys. Like I see myself marrying a woman and adopting children and being hopelessly in love with them all. It's the same thing when I picture myself currently with someone.
   The one thing that makes me sometimes feel lonely is that I have so much love to give, and no one to give it to. Ive always wanted to cuddle my girl/boyfriend and watch movies and just absolutely adore them. And yeah I can love my friends but not a lot of them are really touchy feely and I totally am. I want to tell my friends I love them all the time but it's weird with some(most) of them.
   Last year, my best friend told me she had a crush on me. It totally freaked me out. A week later, I told her I liked her back. We were going to try dating in a few months. One day, she asked me if I wanted to go on a date that week. I freaked out. Never had I been so panicked and scared for anything. It wasn't in a good way that nervous first dates should feel, it was like a panic attack. I told her that night I couldn't do it and that I needed to work on me first{which turned out to be a good call, because this year shes very into drugs(hard core ones even), sex, lying, and basically everything I'm not} It kinda ruined our friendship, but she was equally responsible for it ending(see the lying part). To this day I have no idea what happened, but every time someone gets close to me in a romantic way I freak the fuck out. I'm not sure what it is, but I can't do it.
   That's my problem. Whenever I get close to what I want, my body goes into panic mode. I don't know if I'm just severely introverted or I think I want something but I actually don't. I guess I'll have to settle for cuddling my pillows at night until I learn a little more about myself.