11.29.17
1:05 a.m.
I thought it might be a good idea to get all these things down and that it might be a good place to document and keep track of myself. Not now that I'm sane and really quite stable and O.K. but rather the other times when things are not O.K. It's so hard to believe that I loose my mind sometimes, and when I feel fine it's like that part of me doesn't even exist. I wish I could have done this since september when things were bad, and I wish I could have written down everything I was feeling because it all seems like a bad dream. It's funny that whenever I come back up from that dark place I always feel like that's the last time, the last little outburst of insanity and from then on it'll all be perfect and times like those will be anecdotes. If anything these past few months have taught me that it isn't so, and that things turn around so quickly I shouldn't let my guard down. I haven't even been feeling angry and that's how I know that things are fine and I guess this is the voice of my most stable side and my most rational. It might also be that I haven't been going to school for almost a month since all the bullshit with the university and I haven't had any classes, and the whole thing has really erased all the toxicity that clutters my head when I have to see those people on a day to day basis. I've been lazy and taking my school work very lightly, and that's another indication that I'm okay because even though I haven't been doing anything and I'm leaving everything for the last minute, I don't feel like the world is ending. That's how I felt in October and in September for two weeks each month, and I don't want to describe it because I'd rather wait for it to come around again and let it all speak for itself. I hope this medium serves as a good outlet and I think it'll be good since I always kept a diary as a kid.
I was in a fairly good mood today and even tweeted some funny things.
11.30.17
11:55 P.M
On days like these I sorta look forward in my life and even though I get these ideas and this overwhelming feeling that I'm wasting my time getting a formal education and maybe not spending as much time writing, I just sorta feel like things will fall into place and there's no reason to be scared. I just have this overwhelming sense of purpose and drive and it's as if my fate and all, they've been settled and I need not worry at all, I need only keep looking forward and one day good things will be in my grasp. I have all these plans for writing and getting things in my head down onto paper, and often that's so comforting to me. For example, just the idea of spending winter vacation typing out these two projects I have in mind ( ADSCH and three short stories) gives me something to look forward to and that's so important. I think half of living is having things to look forward to. A reason to get from this day to the next and writing really does motivate me, in ways that school and professional work never will. Sometimes I think I've screwed up and should dedicate all my time to writing. But we all gotta eat something.
