long live (the burning blue)

II

"the dullest knife just sawing back and forth, and ripping through the softest skin there ever was."

 When Zayn arrives it's dark out, and there's no question that he'll spend the night with Harry. Robin had arrived from work, and Harry presumed Gem had told him everything, and no one mentions how he didn't come down for dinner, or how Zayn burst through the front door and wordlessly ran up the stairs and into Harry's bedroom. And how all you could hear from behind the closed door was quiet sobbing and Zayn's constant 'shhhhh's'. No one says anything when Zayn came down from Harry's room to grab a glass of water, and how Zayn was wearing Harry's pajamas. Because they know they never need to intervene. Zayn will take care of everything. That's what Zayn does.

 They spend the whole night talking about Zayn's soulmate. Harry gets to see Zayn's necklace for the first time, notes how it is tucked under a singlet and his normal t-shirt. Four charms, a Mars symbol for male, three music notes (same as Harry and L), an 'L' and 'P' for initials, and the timer pendant. Zayn's chain is a soft gold, and all the charms match, and they're engraved with extensive detail. Harry's heart starts to ache, and he isn't sure why.

 When Zayn is finished sharing, Harry expresses his concerns and fears about the whole ordeal. Zayn sits quiet and listens the whole time, and doesn't flinch when Harry breaks down again talking about Anne and Gemma, and silently takes him into his arms and rubs small circles on his back.

It has been Zayn's instinct to always protect Harry since they were kids, and when Harry's father left the family when they were little, Zayn saw how broken Harry was on the inside, even though he remained collected on the outside for the sake of his mother and sister, it was only with Zayn that Harry could completely leave himself vulnerable and let out everything eating him away inside.

Zayn sighs and holds Harry a little closer.

 -

After that night, Harry never mentions his thoughts about the soulmate ordeal to Zayn again. He pretends to listen while Zayn goes on and on about how excited he is to meet his 'L', and even agrees (much to Zayn's delight) to come with him in 8 days. Harry spends the rest of the week at home, too pained and tired to go to work and school. If anything, after receiving his necklace, his insomnia got worse, and Harry could never put Zayn in a situation and ask him to come over every night to help him sleep. So he deals with it.

Harry spends a lot of time in his room, reading, listening to music, thinking. When Gemma asks if he wants to go out, he says no, because frankly, he doesn't think he can get up and watch people with their soulmates. He can't even stand to look at Nick. But he does, for Gemma. And in 8 days, the only person he has close enough to hold on to will have someone else.

And when it's time to sleep, it's Harry's awake time. He'll take a shower, and do things he doesn't have the energy to do in the morning. He studies for those tests and the coursework he knows he'll need to make up sooner or later, and does his usual chores around the house. If he feels like it, he'll even do some of Zayn's coursework, because he knows Zayn will want to take off some time from school to be around his 'L'.

Most of the time, Harry just lies awake in bed and thinks about his 'L'. He sometimes manages to feel hopeful, using what Zayn goes on about that he and his 'L' will do together. Zayn's a very creative person, and Harry supposes he isn't. But Harry can't stand thinking about the positives for more than five minutes. His mind immediately crawls to the negatives. And that makes him want to rip all of his hair out. At least he knows its wrong, he thinks. He only thinks that because he knows that's what he's supposed to do. Nights like this pass again and again until Harry eventually gets to the point where he might pass out from just standing, so he takes some pills.