In Despair

A Single Moment

Nothing,
A 7 letter word
Blank, yet holds enough meaning all on its own.
You could be void of all feelings or feel them all, to where they become a jumbled mess of nothing.
Emptiness, a hollow hole;
A path with no destination
A thought; a moment of hesitation
Nothing leaves you with a scar that's not visible, yet
it's even more ugly.

Everyone morning I wake up with the same feeling; the only word I can describe it as, is "nothing." I can't remember the last time I've felt something that spikes a feeling that remotely seems like I'm moving in a positive direction. I haven't felt anything close to happiness in what seems like a lifetime. I've grown accustomed to this, my day to day routine that will hopefully stray away unwanted questions and leave me to just get through the day.

Yet yesterday it was different, I woke up to feeling everything I've tried to block away for months now; it was hell, I was trapped and prisoner to my own thoughts. I felt the heartache and gut-wrenching pain of losing my sister all over again, the memory of her death on repeat like a never ending dream. I fought to not lose control, to fight this internal battle but I couldn't; Ivy would still be here if it wasn't for me. 
...

I was running in circles, lost in thought like always. Today I woke up groggily to the sound of my mom whispering urgently to my dad, "She can't keep going on like this, we've tried everything to help her and it's not working! She needs to see someone, if she can't talk to us maybe speaking to someone else will help! We only lost one daughter, so why does it feel like we lost Mara too? I can't loose her Ben, I need her and she needs us too." 

It was then that I heard my moms sobs, if that wasn't what sent me over the edge then it was what my dad said next, that did. "I can't loose her either, Vera. Mara was my partner in crime until she thought she was the one committing one." 

At this point I threw on whatever was closest to me and scrambled to get my shoes on. I couldn't take it anymore, the constant conversations about me and my mental stability were tearing me apart one by one. With tears clouding my vision, I stormed out of my room and down the stairs through the front door. I heard my parents yell after me, trying to get me to stay and talk; talk about anything if it meant they could hear my voice. I didn't stop, didn't look back. My heart was pounding so loudly that it was all I could hear; all I wanted to hear. 

I was running. Nowhere in particular, just far enough to get away from the suffocating feeling of my own household. I kept running until I heard a crack of thunder so loud that it brought me out of my crazed state. Looking down, I realized my clothes were drenched. I hadn't even realized it began raining while I was running away from my life at home. I started to look at my surroundings, taking note of where I was. Great! Just what I needed. I was in a neighborhood outside of mine. How did I manage to run almost 5 miles, when I can't even run one mile without getting winded??

Realizing the rain wasn't going to let up anytime soon I decided to do something I haven't done in ages...dance in the rain. I began to hum to a soft melody, getting lost in the feeling that made everything else melt away. It was pouring now and the rain was pelting down on my body, but I felt more refreshed than I have in months so I continued to dance. Now I'm about as bad at dancing as one can get, but there was something about dancing in the rain that made me feel weightless and elegant on my feet. I probably wouldn't look as elegant as I felt if a nearby person saw me dancing in their street, but in this moment I couldn't find a part of me that cared all that much.  Well... I may end up caring a little because at this very moment fate decided to play a little joke on me.

Twirling with all my might, lost in the moment, I accidentally twirled into a complete stranger. Suddenly I was falling, and not in the "oh this stranger is going to be breathtakingly handsome and catch me like his life depended on it, then we will exchange pleasantries and fall in love with each other," no it was more like "flailing arms and a weird screeching sound coming from none other than me, while I then proceed to fall into a gigantic puddle (it was actually rather small but you can imagine in my state it seemed like it could swallow me up)  and then proceed to just sit there looking like I was a living comedy skit that came to life.

The next thing I heard was laughter, the kind of laughter that brings tears to your eyes and makes you clutch your stomach because your laughing so hard. It was then that I decided to look up at the complete stranger who had the misfortune of watching me twirl into them, not knocking them down, but knocking myself down. How does one do that? I have no idea, but apparently I am very good at it. 

The stranger was still laughing at me, although I can't blame him. Looking down at myself, I looked like I decided to be five years old again and prance around in the rain which led me to losing my balance and falling into a puddle. 

As if time decided to finally speed up I was actually met with the strangers face, although I was definitely not expecting the face I was met with; he was just, wow...and he was still laughing at me but not in a mocking manner, just simply because of the situation he had just seen unfold in front of him. I for one was completely mortified but what I didn't know was that...

It was this single moment that changed everything I had done and who I had become. His face was my new beginning, holding the possibilities I thought I no longer wanted.

So this is my first story I've began to write on Wattpad, so any feedback or constructive criticism would be awesome! I hope you'll stick around to see what happens next with Mara and the stranger that leaves her speechless!
     xo, Kay