The Lamp

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All i remember was dark . All i could see in every section of my vision , left , right , up , down , everywhere . The type of dark that is only accomplished by true and utter black and accompanied with terror . It's like i was getting lost in it . i couldn't find my way out . i was truly losing my mind and i was losing myself as well . Maybe it was just a dream . Maybe it was a wreck and I'm passed out . Maybe i was dying and this is what death was . The big bad D word was actually just dark . Doesn't seem so bad . After the craziness it became quite peaceful to me . The craziness of it all , in a weird way , made me calm . i looked down and saw a small light . As i kept looking , it was getting bigger . i was clearly getting closer . When it started taking shape i could see it . A small lamp that was just like any lamp in any house . i had seen it before , but i didn't know when . But the last thing i saw before i woke up was that lamp . Next thing i remember , i am living my life . i have my beautiful wife and my 3 year old daughter who is the apple of my eye and a son on the way . i was working a great job as an executive of a giant organization . My wife was able to stay at home and generate her own business while taking care of our child . My life was going great . i was the happiest man in the world . As the days went by my family kept growing . We got a dog named biggie and a cat (which I hated but my wife loved) named pearl . After 6 months , our son Harris was born . My life was completely and fully complete . i had everything i wanted , and my son was beautiful . However , one day ... everything started to change . i was on the top of the world , but something was off . i wasn't sure what it was , but i could tell something small was wrong . You know that feeling that you have of dread that you know is there , but don't know where it's coming from . That feeling of deep sadness and emptiness but you can't pinpoint the hearth . i had that , but i didn't recognize why until i saw it . i saw that stupid lamp . That vibrant , small , ever-glowing lamp that for years escaped my views . Once it came back , it ruined everything . That stupid lamp . That lamp different . It was still 3D , but it was like it was on a different plane . i could see its shape and its shadow and its fixture , but it was all very different from everything else . i was so fixated on that piece i furniture that i was lost . i lost a track of time , a track of place , a track of feeling , a track of life . i fell down the rabbit hole . My son had grown to be 2 now . i missed both birthdays and his first steps and his first words . They just so happened to be daddy . My beautiful daughter was 5 , but i lost much of my memories with her . The lamp pushed my thoughts and feelings away . After a while , everything was fading out and white noise was starting to fill my ears . The only constant was the lamp . The light started to flicker , and i was going crazy . Everything was darker around the light , and i started to hear faint voices of worry and sadness . Voices like "wake up" and "are you okay." Then it all hit me . The light of the lamp became extremely bright and i awoke to see sunlight . i was laying on the sidewalk of my college campus with faces of people I've never seen surrounding me and police and ambulance around me . i was brought to a hospital and learned i had been knocked out for 20-30 minutes and , doctors word , was diagnosed with a super concussion . After learning that beautiful life i had was all a creation of my imagination tore me to shreds . i was pushed into a deep state of sadness and depression . i was led into a long line of personal issues and i didn't want to live unless i was living that life . Years went by and i was still missing the life i never lived . My son , who would've been 6 by now , was still running in and out of my peripherals and it was truly driving me mad . i eventually got better , slowly but surely getting past this sadness . Everything was forgotten about in that past life except for that lamp . It still drove my thoughts and insecurities . The lamp pushed me to get back to where i was . To the life that wasn't . After 15 some odd years of searching , i found it . i went across the globe looking for that lamp . That lamp that was my hopes and dreams . That lamp that was basically everything i wanted . That lamp that , although it hurt me , made me happy and reminded me of a past happy time . That lamp that pulled the best and worst out of me . That lamp that made me so happy and so sad . i wanted that lamp more than anything in my life , because it wasn't my life . Because it was my life , and could maybe be my life . Sure i had to search for it but that's what i needed . As soon as i found it , it was as if a burden was lifted from my chest . It was like my life was complete now . i lost my family and friends and jobs and everything but that was okay because i found my lamp . My life didn't return to how it was with that beautiful wife and 2 wonderful kids as it was before , but it improves drastically . It evolved from a life of searching to a life of finding and growth . It adapted into something beautiful in its own way . Let's say i hadn't found that lamp ? I'd have found a lamp eventually , and it would've gotten the job done just the same . See my lamp and your lamp aren't the same , but they maintain the same purpose . They're something we all have that supply light in the dark , may give passage in hard times . They are necessary for everyone whether we notice them or not . Without them , our life isn't the same but when we see them , we never get over them . i still haven't got over this lamp . It's been a while and i still wonder what if I'd never seen that lamp if I'd have ever woken up . What if my life wasn't sent to shreds by seeing it in the first place . What if I'd never seen it in my other life . It doesn't matter . i have it now and it is making my life .