Take This To Your Grave

Chapter 2: Guys Like Us In Prison

After I’m briefed on the rules, I am led to a room marked Cafeteria in a daze. This isn't real, this isn't real, I think as I walk into the room. The loud conversations halt when I step inside and the other kids stop to appraise me. Damn. I quickly walk over to an empty table and take a seat, ducking my head. Conversation around me resumes and I chance a look around the room.  Even though I'm apparently 'in jail', this feels more like a school. The kids aren't wearing orange jumpsuits, they're wearing street clothes. I'm wearing clothes the people at the hospital provided me when I was dischraged, i.e., scuffed black converse, loose jeans, and a dirty black shirt. Yay for first impressions.

A dark haired girl sits right next to me, offering me her sandwich. “Hey newbie,” She says, smiling. “I’m Helena.” I stare at her in awe for a couple seconds, trying to figure out what to do. "You're going to just LOVE it here!" She cries, taking my hand. Her dark hair frames her thickly lashed eyes. She's very pretty, but very... hyper. "So," she says, taking a bite of her sandwhich. "What's your name?"

I stare at her again. I'm sure she thinks I'm mute with bug eyes. What was my name again? Damn. I wrack my brains until.... aha!

"Gerard," I mumble, feeling myself blush. Before I can say anything more, Helena takes off in conversation again. I sigh inwardly, relieved that I don't have to speak much.

Soon, Helena begins to wave over people exiting the lunchline. Our circular table fills quickly with other teenagers - four boys and two girls. I'm introduced to them: Lindsey, Bella, Ray, Mikey, James, and Anthony. They all seem nice enough..

For a while I forget that I'm in Juvie. It sure as hell doesn't feel like Juvie. The people here seem normal, not like hardedned criminals. Frustration overcomes me and I clench my fists. Who am I? Not knowing is driving me insane.

 After lunch is free time, so Helena and I walk out to the fenced off outdoors area behind the building and lay down in the grass. After a while of silence, she rolls over to face me. “It’s really not that bad, you know,” she says. “You seem really distant. I know it’s your first day and all, but really, don’t be so sad. You’ll like it here.”

I snap out of my daze and look at her. “I’m sure I will,” I say, sitting up. “This is just too weird for me to grasp at the moment. I mean, who am I? What have I done?” I pick at the grass in frustration. “And this place… what’s up with it? They call it a correctional facility but as far as I can tell it’s just a bunch of teenagers running around an empty building. I’ve seen barely any adults and other than the fence around the yard, it feels like we’re here on our own free will.”

Helena sits up too and faces me. “Well, Pencey used to be a school, and really it’s not much more than that now. Do you notice how all these kids seem well groomed and fed?” She gestures around and I notice for the first time the designer jeans and watches and whatnot that everyone seems to be wearing. “Well, this is Juvie for kids whose parents can pay someone to keep them out of jail. If you’re in here, your family’s rich.”

I frown at her, trying to understand. “If you had rich parents, couldn’t they just pay bail?” I ask. Breifly, I wonder about my parents. What were they like?

Helena smiles devilishly. “Well…. Most of the people in here have done so many bad things so many times that they aren’t even eligible for bail anymore. Like me. And some parents just want their kids here so they don’t have to deal with them, ‘cause they’re huge pains in the ass.” She smirks.

A bell rings and Helena tells me it's time to go to the dorms. Since boys and girls sleep on seperate floors, she says goodbye to me at the foot of the stairs, kissing my cheek before bounding up the stairs. I hear wolf whistles from Anthony and James and feel myself blush again.

I find out my roomate is Mikey. I breathe a sigh of relief that I'm not stuck with a complete stranger, even though I did only just meet the guy. He shows me to my bed and hovers behind me.

"You had luggage." he says quietly.

"What?" I ask, turning to face him.

"The orderlies. They brought your luggage upstairs. Maybe that'll jog your memory..?" He shrugs and gestures to two giant suitcases on the floor. "They're heavy. I couldn't move them." I'm sure there were a lot of things Mikey couldnt move. He is fairly tall, but thin as rail. His blonde hair hangs past his ears and from what I can tell, he never, ever smils. He doesn't seem unhappy or serious.... Just calm. Serene. "I'll leave you in peace," he says quietly, disappearing out the door. I turn to the suitcases and open the one nearest me.

I feel as if I’m riffling through stranger’s clothing as I dig through my bag. The suitcase has posters of bands I’ve never heard of, books I’ve never read, and pictures of a group of smiling strangers. I scan the faces, hoping to recognize someone. No such luck. In fact, I’m not even sure if I’m in the picture at all. I spot a full length mirror and see myself for the first time. My hair is black and long-ish for a boy. It hangs down in dark sheets to the tip of my nose. My eyes are hazel and bright.I stiill have a few bandages here and there from the hospital, but otherwise I look like any average angsty teenager. So what was my secret? Who am I, and why can't I remember? What did I do to land me in some high-end Juvie? I shake my head, seeing the stranger in the mirror do the same thing. Creepy.

I go back to my bed and pick the picture up. I recognize myself right in the center, smiling a wide smile, my arms hooked with two other guys. Something overcomes me and suddenly, I don’t want to know anything about myself. I don’t want this life, a stranger’s life. I feel like the person in the photo is a different person than I am. He isn’t me. He isn’t locked up in some weird place with a bunch of criminals. He’s trapped, forever smiling in that moment, never to live another day again. I place the photo facedown in my suitcase and throw myself in bed, deciding to finish unpacking in the morning,. I'm exhausted from my long and confusing day.