ader

shouldn't and should

praise the heavens she believed my excuse even though it's impossible a flying insect will get inside my room.

i wasn't able to answer his sudden call so i chatted him instead.

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me: what's with the sudden call? you scared the shit out of meㅡand oh! where did you get my number by the way?

you: nothing, i just wanted to hear your voice. oh that reminds me, can you sing me a song? one of my friends told me you had an amazing voice.
__________________________

seeing that on my screen i didn't know what to feel anymore. even though we chatted a lot these past weeks, it still felt like i was at the top of the world's largest rollercoaster

i was really happy, but i was also really scared.

scared because I know where this feeling is going.

you avoided my question on where you got my number. i declined your request with regards of me singing, since it's already late and i wouldn't want my mom thinking i was talking to some guy in the middle of the night.

even though ironically, it's kind of true.

at first, you kept on insisting that i should sing. you even said it for almost 24 times and i was so ready to block you the moment you reply 'come on please siiiing' again.

finally, you stopped pestering me the moment you somehow felt i was feeling pissed and said you'd just call again, 'better off hearing your voice than nothing i guess', you said in our convo.

the moment i saw your reply i couldn't even think straight.

i told myself i'd keep my calm and wouldn't embarrass myself again like the usual.

get your shit down and answer that call idiot.

"hello?" you said in an unsure tone.

then i screamed, only less louder than earlier. along 20% less or so.

"het, why are you screaming? haha"

idiot why are you even laughing? can't you see i'm dying here?

"it's your fault! why do you have to call again?" i said trying to slap myself mentally for saying that stupid sentence.

it's like asking 'why did you bother to come in my life?'

"i just wanted to hear your voice before i sleep, is there a problem with that?" and even though i can't see you, i can imagine you with that cute boyish smile looking at me.

God i'm in for a big problem

i knew i couldn't answer your question without sluttering so i just mumbled a simple 'no, it's fine'

weird. they say boys give you butterflies. but why do i feel like the entire zoo was living at my stomach?

fastforward:

after the call, that was the time i finally catched up with my breathing. i was literally sleepless.

i couldn't stop thinking about you, the way you talk, the way you handled each conversation smoothly. they way i suddenly 'react' more often to your statements, everything.

even though i couldn't sleep. i tried to close my eyes and wait till morning.

(fastforward)

3 weeks later

today i came in a little early, since i couldn't get any more sleep due to your endless messages.

i walked down the hallways and was about to turn around the corner when i saw you with your friends.

you were wearing that heartwarming smile you give me everytime we crossed at the hallway.

i saw that perfect looking brown eyes everytime you get excited when i promised you i'd chat as soon as i reach our house.

i saw that pink tint forming at your cheeks everytime i'd wave back at you at school.

i saw everything the moment my eyes landed on you.

sadly, that everything wasn't looking at me.

you were with another girl.

she was around my height, wearing a white dress that completely looked amazing on her.

in short, she was ten decks higher than me.

all the guys around you were busy congratulating you both

all i can hear was 'congrats! i hope you'd stay together!' 'i ship these two!' 'oh you look so perfect together!' and all that shit.

you looked like you were at paradise as you held her hand and stood beside her. it was like you hadn't met the perfect girl until you saw her.

you seemed to be in a bliss when you kissed her, it was followed by the loud cheers you received from the crowd.

i didn't even notice the tears falling down my face until you dared a glanced at me.

you looked like you've seen a ghost when you saw me. i quickly spun around walking anywhere not near you. as i got further, i could here murmurs as you shouted my name along the hallways of the school.

'who is she, why is he calling her?'

'what a trying hard girl, does she even know he had a girlfriend? bitch please'

i mean how could i have known? all the shit you've been saying, how could i know that your heart was already taken by someone better than me?

you had a girlfriend? okay call me stupid but i rarely even see that 'girl' around here.

all the promises, all the sweet talks. God knows how it felt like when you tried to call me during the saddest and happiest times in my life!

it felt like i was crashed down on both heaven and earth. i couldn't even tell which path iwas going because of my tears.

i should have seen this coming.
i should have listened to my friend in the first place.
i shouldn't have been overconfident with myself.
i shouldn't have let this feeling get deeper.
i should have known you longed for someone else!

i should never have left my heart in your hands when you were just going to rip it apart.

to many 'i should have's and 'i shouldn't have's but one thing's for sure.

i should have cared for myself better than i cared for you.