Tyler's Stress Journal

10/30/17

I started this diary to help with my stress problems. They've been going up recently because of school, and because of my daily life. My stress levels have peaked today because of school, mainly my biology class. It seems that everything bad is coming at me in all directions with that class. First off, I'm supposedly missing a paper in that class that. I remember that it was an assignment that we had a website for. (it was a website with a paper.) I remember doing it, however, I can't remember where I put it. I thought i put it in my biology binder, but it's not in there. I was also told by Dr. Rose that she would want that paper by the end of today, and she looked like she wasn't in a good mood today. She said it with a tone of voice that I have never heard her address anybody in this year. I'm very worried, because i have never seen her snap. (And frankly, i don't think i want to! She sounded like she meant business!) So when i come with nothing to give to her, then that won't be exactly pretty.

We also were assigned a homework pack-it tonight, so i have that to worry about and get out of the way. We also have a big test tomorrow, so I'll be up until probably 7 tonight studying for it. My parents didn't look the happiest recently, so if i miss anything while studying or they learn about recent things going on, then i feel that they'll get pretty mad with me. Whatever it may be, i'm probably getting a form of a lecture tonight.

I feel that my grandma isn't the happiest with me, either. She's been helping me get through these classes that i haven't been doing so well in by talking with my teachers and learning what's been going on recently. Normally, she tries to get through it with a calm tone, but i feel that i've screwed up so many times already that she's at her breaking point. (or has passed it now, at least.) To top it all off, she's retiring (next year?) and after that, I'll be on my own. No more grandma to help me get my act together. I'm not sure what i'll do. My mom and dad expect me to guide myself on my own, but i just don't think i'm capable. I don't know if i can live up to what they expect out of me.

I've been taking small doses of medicine each morning after i get ready for school. It's medicine that helps me focus in my classes and prevents me from dozing off. I received it after i got diagnosed with ADD a few years back. It's helping a lot, and I'm noticing a difference, but i'm not sure if it's necessarily enough. I feel like i may need more, i just don't know what. I was also told that a guidance counselor would be interviewing me about my performances, but that day hasn't come yet.

I was thinking on it, and my best guess was a therapist or a psychiatrist. I don't think it'll be likely, because the bill for it would be high. But i feel that i really need it not just because of stress in school, but in life. My youngest brother treyson is a good example. I love him and he's very important to me. It's just how he treats me back is what i dislike.

Whenever i have to babysit him, my mom tells him the rules that he's supposed to follow. (no candy, no ipad, etc.) An hour or so passes, and i find him doing something he's not supposed to be doing. I approach it kindly, (usually with "Trey, mom told you not to play on the ipad, remember?") He doesn't listen and keeps doing it. I then repeat myself, but more strictly. He then runs away to try and get out of the situation. This is where my anger comes in. I nab whatever he's doing out of his hands and yell at him at the top of my lungs. Yeah. Me, yelling at a five year old. I feel terrible whenever i do it and it makes me feel like a terrible person. The worst part is is that this is an everyday thing at this point. My mom and dad are doing so many outings that i'm stuck watching Treyson and Hayden. I can tolerate Hayden, because he knows to listen to me. Treyson is constantly smacking me and doing things he's not supposed to. The other day, i found him with a knife from the kitchen. He started running with it, and while i was chasing him he tripped and almost cut himself in the head with it. I felt like the worst person on the face of the earth, because 1. I wasn't keeping an eye on him to see him with the knife, and 2. He nearly hurt himself and here i am not giving a crap about it. Why? WHY? I don't know why he doesn't listen!!!! Jqlngho" wwhatwhy??? GE;jbhj

Whenever he's doing something he's not supposed to be, naturally we tell on him because it seems right. However, he usually finds a small way out of it for the dumbest reasons. The worst part? HE GETS AWAY WITH IT, and we get blamed for being "tattletales." Why? Mom and dad keep sucking up to him, because "he's only a kid! He doesn't know any better!" It looks bad on me and Hayden, and I'm not sure what to do.

I try to rack up the nerve to tell my feelings to mom and dad, but it's always at the worst possible time. She's either mad or not there. I feel whenever i do finally tell, she'd be like "Oh, you're just complaining. Grow up, Tyler. Act your age." or something like that. She says that she'll help me and that she's there for me, but it doesn't seem like it to me. If i told her THAT, i'd make her look like a liar, and that'd make ME feel bad as a person.

I don't know what to do anymore. I want help.

-ty