Rectivity

One. The State of My Head

TULSA-June 2011 3CG Studios

You ever just sit thinking about nothing in particular, and shit just gets heavy? You just blink, like, "Where did this come from?" You're okay. Yeah. Things are good. Life is good. Positive thoughts. But, what about...No.

Well, then how about...No.

Wait...

You don't know for sure? Me either. If I could figure it out I wouldn't.

This is my EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

I can't even get an answer. I don't even know what happened. I don't know WHY. Ain't that some shit?

Even now, after all these years NO ONE KNOWS. That means there's no medication, no therapy, no diet adjustments, no surgery. There's no symptoms. Unless you count the ones that keep changing...

I could stress out and sleep for a fucking year. Or...I could go TEN years with a million new stressors and not flinch AND sleep like a baby every night.

I could be the addict in the ditch. I could be the daredevil jumping out of planes. I could be the terrorist with the suicide bomb. Maybe then this would make sense.

I'm just me, Zac. I'm a cool dude. At least I like to think so. I've been told. I love and am loved. I make mistakes and have definitely been hurt. Okay. So what? I'm not special. Well...I might be slightly.

I'm humble. But, I know I'm here, doing whatever I'm doing for a reason. Hell, I kind of love myself.

Except for...this shit.

If I had a knife that could reach whatever this is...I'd have cut it out long ago. How many times I've bargained with the reality of that thought. Yeah, that makes me sound crazy. that could get me a diagnosis and some clear thoughts. Just give me a pill. Give me a label.

But, no. I'm not that guy. I'm not brooding. Not like that.

Anyway...

Shake it off. Hope for the best. Don't fear what you cannot control. Plaster that smile back on when you forget you're not alone and someone would notice you're distracted by this..thing. The thing that they all fear too. And that whirlwind of guilt, rage and panic that is behind your eyes will give you away. Blink, it distracts them. Say something witty. Be funny. That always works.

Wait. It doesn't work on all of them. Don't get stuck. He's not here. Relief.

Quick look at the clock on the wall, it's been a few seconds, not minutes. Good.

Move. Oh, yeah, I'm holding something. Another glance at the clock and it's been a few seconds more. Wasn't I counting....?

"Zac?" A familiar voice sounds and then I realize I'm plugged in. Oops. Did I say all this shit out loud? Maybe I have cracked and I've been hallucinating?

The clock. No way I said all that in such a short time. Unless I am hallucinating...

"Hello, Earth to Zac!" Nope. This is real. Talk stupid.

"Bah!" That's not even a word...try harder. "Could you not yell in the mic? K, thanks." Not super witty, but it's words.

"Could you stay with the track? That would be great."

"Fiver." If I can't get it together in 30 seconds, maybe five minutes can revive me.

"I can go with that."

I can move, I am moving. Okay. Stop thinking. Here comes someone. I know him...

"Hungry?" He says.