Not Ashamed

'Chapter Twenty Three ×

"Exactly." I continue on the picture, and don't stop until I'm finished.

...

After my last exam, Axel, Margo, Chloe, Blake, Johnathan, Peter (unfortunately. I couldn't very well tell him not to come, him and Axel and Margo are best friends,), and I go out to dinner to celebrate. We go to a pizza place I've never been in, we always get it delivered to our dorm or to the theatre room instead.

It's not too awkward a meal, considering the circumstances, but Johnathan and Peter barely say a word, and johnathan doesn't seem very hungry while we're there.

I seem to be the only one who notices. Well, me and Peter.

After dinner, me and Axel go back to our dorm. I plan on talking to Johnathan tomorrow, but for tonight, I'll leave him alone.

Me and Axel have been rooming together since year one, and by year two, we started pushing the two beds they give us together and putting one big duvet on it. It might seem silly, but I like waking up to him, and him being across the room seems much too far.

Our last year. Our last dorm room.

When we get back to the room, the two of us sit down. I know Axel is going to want to watch tv, he has a Netflix addiction, but before he can turn it on, I interject.

"Hey, could we talk for a second?" I ask. Cautiously, Axel nods. I smile at his innocence. "Nothing bad."

"Oh, good. What's up?"

I take a breath in, gaining some courage, before saying, "What happens after graduation?"

He looks puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, what happens after we move out of this dorm? We've been living together for years. I just... don't know where to go from here." I feel like caving in on myself. My question sounds far cringier out loud than it did in my mind.

"Well... I don't know. I haven't really thought about it, not in detail. Where are you planning on going?"

I shrug, because I honestly have no idea. "Well, I know I can't go home, and I want to be close to you anyway."

Axel has That Face. That Face that says he wants to make a comment, but doesn't want to start a fight.

"What?" I ask. When he doesn't respond, I ask again, "Whats wrong?"

"Okay, don't get upset, but I think you exaggerated when you told me about your parents. I know, it's been years since we saw them, but honestly, they weren't nearly as bad as you told me they would be."

I'm taken aback. We haven't spoken of my parents since that faithful Christmas, and I had liked it like that. Now he's bringing them up again.

"Axel, you don't understand, that's the lowest percent of Harrison Ambush I've ever seen, but it still isn't acceptable. Not in front of you, do you understand?"

"I'm just saying, they weren't that bad. Yes, they were rude, but they weren't evil like you described them."

"You didn't live there your whole life, you don't get to have an opinion on how they are with their children."

"Now you're overreacting about this."

I pause. I want to get mad, because he doesn't understand, not at all, but I just feel so drained. I feel like he's on their side. Before I can stop myself, I'm speaking again.

"You are so sheltered by your perfect life you can't even comprehend someone else having a hard time. You don't understand having your parents treat you like an object, not a person. Don't you get it? I was never welcome in my home. You don't understand that!"

"I understand it fine! I just think you're overreacting. You were a kid, everything seems like the end of the world for a kid! But now you're an adult, and you need to get over it and move on!"

I flinch. Axel doesn't raise his voice often, and it wasn't just that he was shouting at me that made me flinch, it was what he said. You're an adult, you need to get over it and move on!

"Oh, c'mon Finn, you know I didn't mean it," Axel says tiredly, stepping toward me. I step away from him.

"No, you're right. They were perfectly fine, I was just a brat who thought I deserved better. They treated me perfectly and i ran away. It's my fault." I say this sarcastically, but my voice sounds weak in my own ears.

"Finn..."

"I'm going out. I'm not mad, I just need to think and I can't do it here."

Axel nods solemnly. He looks guilty, which makes me feel bad.

"I'm not mad," I repeat. He nods again. I leave the room, not knowing exactly where I'm headed.