Absinthe

Absence

tonight, it is the absence of you that leaves me shaking.

my mother's words leave me stapled to the walls. tension brews and blisters until it bursts into catastrophe every night. more than a decade of hurt and loss have built the crumbling foundations of this paper house and yet,

my tears and not angry 

tonight.

hollowness always has a sound if you care to listen. people look so hard for traces of Other and Better in me that they tug everything loose in the process. my ambitions, my opinions, the ticking, flickering parts of me lay wasted on the floor. is there anything left when all is given away? does hollow have a feeling? a flavor?

a cure?

i wonder if guilt too may have a taste. i wonder if that flavor would be salt and wet that flows then drips into my mouth when flowing gets too tiring. if guilt were to stick around long enough for morning, my words would be tinted moldy. 

Old

and 

rotting 

like

the apology that never made it's way to you. still sitting underneath my tongue. the sorry's and forgive me's that fell into the cavern that grew between us as distance found a new definition. as the galaxies of us collided and left destruction in its wake. 

(maybe our problem is that we are too much alike)

am i allowed feeling guilty anymore? is this fracture something that will always cripple me? 

can i learn to come home to you again? 

i loved you once please let me come back to

longing, i can make beautiful. it is the only pain that still belongs to me, so i have long given up trying not to relish in it. drown in it. 

longing, i have learned is honey and pepper. it is Absinthe and lemon, and

tonight

i have a sore throat and a swollen tongue, so i invite you, my dear, to soothe my fire back to sleep.

//Why do I still look for solace in the space you left?//