The Art Of Looking Too Close

Chapter One: What Was I Made For?

Snow.

I leaned my head up against the window letting the cold glass sink into my warm forehead. Outside the white flakes mixed in with the dark earth below. Winter had come early. Soon it would be Christmas and then a whole new year. I wasn't sure how I felt about that.
What a boring place to spend it too. I had lived in this house forever and it seemed like nothing ever changed. The days seemed to be the same over and over again.

We would wake up to our Career and she'd force us to take nasty tonic with milk. The showers were cold or non existent in the winter because the pipes would freeze over. After breakfast we would meet for the Announcements in the great hall. Madam Porter announced that Mrs. Hart had discovered lit cigarettes hidden in the waste bin out in the back of the school. Everyone turned and whispered to each other. "I understand you see the Careers smoking on occasion but your bodies are special . We need to keep them clean."

Clean. That word echoed in my ear.
That word made me wonder what Madam Porter defines as clean. There were so many different ways to be clean.

I was clean. At least, I would like to think, but who really knows. It depends on the type of clean you would want to talk about.

Physically clean. The cleanliness of your outward skin, free of any unnecessary blemish was a thing I strived for. I could scrub my skin raw if that meant I lived up to the expectations of the Careers.

Mentally clean. Being aware. My thoughts were almost always child like to a degree but we all have lustful and selfish desires that tempt us.

Like lighting cigarettes.

It's a rare thought of mine and we are taught to never let our feelings get in our way. I wouldn't want to let Madam Porter down.
We didn't need to learn how to love, we didn't need it for what we were made for, yet, I sometimes found myself looking at the art work in the gallery or read a line in a book and feel a certain sensation in my stomach. I'm not sure how to describe it. But it's there. Like a tiny spark. To me that's love.

A lot of the people here believed that love is the only thing that could save a person like us. The Outsiders didn't think we were capable of feeling that kind of emotion. To them, we were a body. A vessel. To carry the special things inside for them.

I blinked lazily watching the snow fall. Snow always made me sad. I wasn't sure why. Maybe because I wanted to be as perfect as it looked.
"You're dismissed for games out in the playing fields." Ms. Fenne, a new Career, called from the doorway, smiling. Everyone stood and ran off for their coats and I followed quietly behind. Ms. Fenne had been here for a few days wondering around helping the other Careers with their work. She was tall and lean. She had rosy cheeks and her mouth was small and polite. She always wore a golden brooch on her blouse with an emerald stone nestled inside. As everyone filed out of the hall she followed behind me as I was the last to go.

Outside the cold wind blew against us but that didn't stop us from playing our game of baseball. I stood with my feet planted firmly in the ground and waited for the pitch. Ray tossed the ball and I hit it with a loud 'CRACK'. I watched it sail off and Bob ran after it as it passed the field's boundary. He stopped short at the boundaries' end and watched as the ball hit the ground on the other side.

After a while of playing we all came back inside for lunch. While undressing from our coats Ms. Fenne stopped Ray and I. "Why didn't Bob go get the ball outside today?" I turned to get a glance at Ray and then back to Ms. Fenne.
"We aren't allowed to leave Thornton House. No one has ever stepped outside the boundaries." Ray spat out before I had a chance to speak. "That's not true! Once, there was a boy who went outside the boundary and went missing." I hurried to say. "He was supposedly found two days later, tied to a tree, half eaten! Madam Porter said some bad men found out where he'd come from and took his gift. We can't leave or that'll happen to us." Bob came up behind me grabbing the back of my neck, making me jump. "Piss off Bob!" I swiped my hand at him. Ms. Fenne shushed me. "And you believe this?" She asked. I hit at Bod one last time as Ray tried to contain his laughter. "You're all nearly nineteen, and you believe this? You're practically grown adults. It's obviously a made up story! Why believe it?"She asked us in disbelief.
"Who would make up something as terrible as that?" I asked her. She looked at me in surprise. "People make up a lot of awful things at the expense of others, Gerard." She places a thin hand in my shoulder as she moves to pass me. "I wouldn't dwell on it."

I dreamed about what was past the gate many times but now my imagination had run dry. When you get old I guess that's what happens.
I scribbled hard on my note book as Mrs. Hart stood at the front of the class. She was teaching us about the great works of Shakespeare when the door to our class opened. Madam Porter and another head of staff walked in and introduced us to a new student.
He had beautiful eyes and pale skin. His hair was darker than night and he had the saddest looking face I'd ever seen. It was very rare that we got new students from other schools. Especially since we were the eldest group and most of us were to graduate to the Houses down the way in less than a year. He honestly didn't look old enough to be here.
I watched him carefully make his way to his seat as other students whispered quietly to enough other. He sat down quietly and turned to scan the room and his eyes fell into contact with mine. I felt like I was standing in the middle of a storm unable to move. What beautiful eyes. He turned his head away from me and I was snatched back into reality. Mrs. Hart continued her lecture on Shakespeare and everyone was looking at her. But I was looking at him.