SMILE

Smile

I tossed the stone I found towards the river. Even though the wind is soothing and the sound of the water running, passing and competing with each other is relaxing, it can't still calm the storm inside me. I heard the laughs of those children passing by. The balloons they are carrying and the smiles plastered on their faces shouts joy and it's really irritating me. How can they laugh their hearts out there when some other people in this world is suffering? "Yuan, we're done. The priest's blessing the children. 'Wanna go in-" even before Tita Cristy can finish her sentence, I cut her off. "Go home. I want to rest. You shouldn't have force me to come with you and hear the mass." I frowned when I uttered the word 'mass'. They should stop believing with whatever lord they have. I stopped believing Him when he left me. I went back to the place where I always spend my days. This four corners are the ones who witnessed the pain I've been through. They witnessed how I gave my hope to everyone but they keep on disappointing me. When I heard the door opening, I pretended to be sleeping. I don't want to talk. They will just feed me with false hopes and I'm tired of those. I felt a hand brushing my hair. I didn't move. Yeah, so much for my acting. "Son, we will do everything for you to live. You may not be the child I bore inside this womb, I want you to know that my heart loves you so much." She kissed my forehead and then left. When I hear dthe closing sound of the door. I stood up and sighed. They're just wasting their time and money on me. This heart of mine will give up soon. I woke up in a busy Monday and I heard the familiar hushing sound of the nurses and doctors running along the corridor. My nurse on duty knocked and entered my room. She smiled at me even though I didn't. "Yuan, I think it's better if you'll take a walk outside? You've been staying here for days and you need to move around. Okay?" I lazily nodded at her. When I feel the boredom already, I changed my hospital gown into a sweat pants and a shirt. I brought my IV stand with me as I roamed around the hospital. This hospital is the most famous hospital here in England. Most of the patients here, if weren't for a chronic illness, are dying. "Grabe namang simangot iyan!" I suddenly turned my head when I heard a voice of a girl. She's smilling so wide. I didn't understand what she said so I ignored her. "Suplado ah?"
I was taken aback when she sat beside me. My forehead formed lines as I look at her, questioning her action. "Why are you here? Leave me alone."
Instead of leaving, she's still smiling from ear to ear.
"Inglisero pala si Kuya. Mukha naman siyang Pilipino. Ah, why you want me leave? Ano bay an, di pa ko magaling mag English." She murmurs at the end of her sentence. "I want to be alone." I said.
"You know, you happy when you not alone." She looks so persistent. If she won't leave, then I will. I stood up and shrugged my shoulders. "Don't follow me." "Ayoko nga."then she giggled, "Kahit pa sungitan mo ko, di kita lulubayan.Hindi man ngayon, pero sa mga susunod na araw."
Days after, I felt worse. It's difficult to move around. I'm always tired and I want to sleep. I feel asleep but then I heard footsteps entering my room. I opened my eyes and glanced at the door and I was surprised because I saw the girl who approached me last week.
"What are you doing inside my room?" She smiled widely at me. Why is she always smiling? Based on her clothes, she's also I patient.
"I know you bored already. Come, I'll show you something." "I don't go with strangers."
She laughed at my remark even though I can't see the fun with that. She went to my cabinet and picked some of my clothes. She hand those over to me.
"Go change. I'll wait." She left the room and I don't know where she went. As if I'm going out. I tossed the clothes she gave me. I was about to lie down and spend my night sleeping when my phone beeped. I saw a message from Tita Cristy saying she'll drop here now. I sighed. I stood up and picked up the clothes. I changed what I'm wearing and went out.
I saw her standing beside the door. She smiled when she saw me. Okay, I would rather spend the night with her than to spend it with my adopting parents.
"Tara na! Nakapagpaalam na rin ako sa nurse. Pumayag sila." Even though I didn't understand what she said, she grabbed my arm and we went out of the hospital. The cold breeze of December is crawling deep on my skin. It's a good thing I wore this. We walk in the streets of London. She's not saying anything neither I. When I saw the familiar river of The Thames, I stopped walking. "It's so beautiful pala dito." "What type of language is that?" I asked. I really can't understand what she's talking about. She giggled and showed me a flag.
"Filipino language. You look Filipino but you don't speak Filipino." I made a face at her remark.
"Yes, I am a Filipino but I lived here."
"Weh? Hindi ka pa nakakapunta sa Pilipinas?" I gave her a questioning face and later on, she got it.
"I mean, you haven't been in Philippines?" I nodded at her question. We started walking again. The city is lighted and everyone is happy. Of course, Christmas is fast approaching. The clock strikes 12 and it tells that it's December 2 already. I sighed. I was about to continue to walk but this girl held my hand. She placed a box inside my palm, "Happy Birthday!"
It took me seconds to realize that someone greeted me. She even prepared a gift for me and I don't know what to feel or to say. "Smile, Juanito. It's your birthday!" I was surprised when she uttered my real name. My name is Juanito Suarez. It's just that, I don't like to be called Juanito. Instead they call me Yuan which is also extracted from Juanito. Yu-an, Ju-an. "How did you know it's my birthday?"
"Here. I read this." She pointed on my wrist band where my name is written and my birthday.
"Smile ka na dali. Birthday mo eh."When I heard the word smile and birthday, I understood that she wants me to smile because it's my birthday. I made a face. "I hate birthdays. I hate smiling. I hate showing I'm happy even when in fact, I'm not."
"Why do you hate birthday?"
"December 2 is the day when my real mom left me. She left me to the people whom she's serving before. She went back to the Philippines and forgot about me. Tita Cristy told me that my real mom left because she discovered that I have a rare heart disease. And now, I'm just waiting for my death. They can't find a heart that will match mine. So why bother counting birthdays?" I felt the familiar pain inside my chest. How come she was able to leave me alone? I am her flesh. I am her blood. I am her son.
This girl tapped my shoulders as if she's saying It's okay. Somehow, I really felt okay knowing someone's beside me, listening.
"You should still smile, Juanito. Even if your mommy left you, at least you have another mommy. Eh tignan mo ako! I don't have mommy and daddy. They died sa isang car accident. Ano ba yan, ang hirap mag English. I'm an orphan. There no mommy and daddy who want to adopt me kasi I have stage 3 brain cancer. But still oh, lumalaban ako sa sakit ko. I am fighting. At least you can still live once you have a donor. Eh ako? Cancer ang sakit ko at walang gamot doon. Don't lose hope. You will find donor soon. Just pray."
I was taken aback upon hearing her story. I didn't know she has cancer. A brain cancer. I can't imagine the pain she is feeling every time she'll have her chemotherapy. She doesn't have anyone to lean on. She lived without a mother. Is this her way of saying I'm still lucky because I have a mom who stayed by my side?
After that day, I realized a lot of things. I realized that I am not the only one who bears a problem on my shoulders. A lot of people is also suffering and sometimes, they suffer more than I do.
I discovered that she's just a room away from me. Starting my birthday, we always hang out. We eat lunch together and sometimes, I teach her how to speak English fluently.
I became close to Tita Cristy. She's so happy because of that.
Sometimes, I can hear cries of pain from that girl's room. Sometimes, I want to stay by her side and boost her confidence like she always does when I'm down.
One day, Tita went inside my room together with a doctor. They were both smiling and giggling. Tita Crist hugged me so I look at her with confusion.
"Yuan, we already found you a heart donor. The heart matches everything and you're scheduled in an operation."
My heart swelled in happiness upon hearing the news. I smiled because I can't believe it. I will be able to live!
One thing crossed my mind. I want to tell it to her.
One evening I asked her to meet me in a garden. As she came approaching. I saw her face. It became pale than ever. She's so thin and she's only wearing a scarf to cover her head. She became bald already because of her chemotherapies.
I remembered what she told me before.
Don't hate God because you're experiencing those. I never hated God and blamed him for what has happened to me. He just wants me to trust Him because He knows everything and He has reasons for doing this. I know He won't give me a problem that I cannot handle.
And that is the time where I came back to my God.
"How are you?" I asked. She smiled at me like she always do. Her smile is contagious so I smiled too.
"Okay lang. You?" she asked. I smiled widely.
"My doctors found me a heart donor." I delivered her the good news and she smiled. I saw tears in her eyes. Maybe tears of joy?
"Wow! What a coincidence that you operation will be on Christmas eve! Do everything to recover ha?" I smiled at her remark and hugged her.
"Thank you so much for making me realize everything. Promise me we won't leave each other's side okay?"
"Promise."
The day of my operation came and it ended well. When I was in the recovery room, I'm thinking of her. Come to think of it, I don't even know her name. She just know mine.
It's a month already after the surgery and I've never been this good. I thought of paying her a visit so I stood up and went out. The nurses greeted me and I greeted back. I knocked at her door but no one's answering so I opened it. I was surprised when it was empty.
I went to the nurses station and asked for her.
"The patient in room 143 left this on a Christmas eve."
She lend me a paper in an envelope. My heart is beating wild as I open the letter.
Juanito,
    Hi Juanito! I think, sa oras na mabasa mo to, wala na ko. Kung di mo man maiintindihan itong letter na ito dahil sa tagalog ko isusulat, ask someone to translate it into English. Anyway, I taught you how to understand tagalog. Naalala mo ba nung unang beses kitang nilapitan? Birthday ko nung araw na iyon. At dahil birthday ko at nakita kitang malungkot, sabi ko sa sarili ko gusto kitang pasayahin. Kaya nilapitan kita. Nung pinaalis mo ko, sabi ko sa sarili ko, gagawin kong huling misyon sa buhay ko ang pasayahin ka. Di nga ako makapaniwala na naging close tayo. Naalala mo ba nung birthday mo? Nung niyaya kita lumabas? Nung araw na iyon, nalaman kong Stage 4 na yung cancer ko. Ibig sabihin, wala na kong ligtas. Months na lang yung bibilangin ko at mamamaalam na ko. Kaya nung nalaman kong kinakailangan mo ng puso, sumailalim ako sa mga tests. Naisip ko na, kung mamamatay na rin lang naman ako, gusto kong ibigay na lamang sayo ang puso ko. Gusto kitang mabuhay kasi ang dami pang taong naghihintay para sayo. Hindi ka ba nagtaka? Nung ibinalita mo sakin na magpapaopera ka na, alam ko na agad ang petsa kung kelan? This is my Christmas gift to you. Ang puso ko. Alagaan mo yan ha? Wag ka sanang malungkot dahil ginawa ko to. Right now, masaya na ko sa piling ni Lord. Huwag ka magalala. Gagawin ko pa rin yung pangako ko sayo. Hindi mo man ako kasama physically, hindi naman parin kita iiwan. Maraming salamat Juanito dahil naging kaibigan kita. Tandaan mo lahat ng sinabi ko sayo ha? Palagi kang ngingiti. Mahalin mo ang mga tao sa paligid mo at lagi mong iisipin na lagi lang nandiyan si Lord para satin.
Hanggang sa muli,
Angel.

-The end.