Gentleman (Jonathan Toews)

What Have I Done?

"You're not hurting, you're sulking and pointing your fingers around being mad at the world and not allowing yourself time to heal" she explains.

"And you think you can fix me" I ask.

"I can try" she insists.

"I don't want you to fix me. I want you... just to leave me the hell alone" I yell. It fall silent as she stares at me.

"You don't really mean that" she says softly.

"I do. I don't want to be around anyone right now and that includes you. Especially you. I don't want you to hug me like everything is going to be okay or touch me like you can magically make me feel better or even look at me with those deep eyes. I want to figure out what to do without your help" I insist.

"You're just upset" she tries.

"You don't know what I'm feeling. You know you're not always right about these things. There are some things about me you just don't understand, you never will. And these theories and ideas will only get you so far. Those aren't going to make me feel any better and sure as hell aren't going to win me a Stanley cup."

"Those theories and ideals aren't here to fix your problems, they're there to understand them so you don't act irrationally. They're to guide you to find your own solution" she explains and I sigh.

"I think the best solution for me right now is to be as far away from you as possible" I insist.

"And what the hell does that solve" she asks.

"It's one less voice in my head telling me how to think or feel. I don't need you constantly trying to help me like I'm some child. I'm 24 and am the captain of a professional hockey team. I don't need you" I claim.

"Fine. You want me gone? I'm gone" she claims. She picks up her keys and heads to the door. She slams it behind her and I let out a long sigh.

I didn't want this to happen. That's why I just wanted her to let it go so I could go feel bad for myself for a few days without her trying to fix me. But I was so upset with myself I took it out on her. Every word she said wasn't wrong. And every thing I did wasn't right.

I take a deep breath and head out to go find her. This is her place after all, I'm not sure where she will be going this late at night. She's upset and confused and probably doesn't even know where she's going.

I get outside and see her jump in her car. I run up to it but she locks the door.

"Please, let me apologize" I beg.

"I don't want to hear it. I gave up so much for you. I let you say these things to me then I tell myself you don't really mean them. But you do. You think I'm the problem, so let me solve it for you. Goodbye... Jonathan" she says starting the engine. She backs up and I chase after her.

"I'm so sorry" I yell.

"I'm sorry too. For thinking that what we had was actually special. For believing all those thing you said to me. For assuming that you cared about me more than hockey" she lists off.

"Payton-" I try again but she pulls off. She pulls out and the street and down to the stop light.

I watch as she goes off until my whole life stops with one sound. A car runs a red light as she had the green light to go and smashes right into her car. Her car gets sent tumbling down the street rolling over a few times before landing back on the wheels.

Without a second thought I run the few blocks quicker than I ever had before. My feet feeling like they sink into the ground the closer I get. As I get even closer I started to feel worse. It felt like years before I finally reach the car. I try to open her door but it was closed in. Her side of the car took the whole impact and I could tell it wasn't good. I look in there and she was sitting completely still in the drivers seat. The air bags deployed and blood from somewhere on the windshield. I knock on the window but she doesn't so much as flinch.

"Payton" I scream but I never do get a response. "Payton... please" I cry out but nothing. I try and try to open the door but it was completely caved in. I find something hard and break the glass and pry the door open. Shards of glass go in my hand but I didn't even notice. After a lot of struggling I get to door open. Her limp body stays put as all of her weight falls out the door. I get her seatbelt unbuckled and carry her out carefully. I lay her on the ground and that's when I lose it. Blood gushes from the side of her head and I get this really really bad feeling in my chest.

Sirens sound in the background but I can barely hear them over my cries.

"Payton, baby, please be okay. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean those things. Please wake up" I beg.

I get pushed out of the way as the paramedics arrive.

"She's still alive" someone announced and I thank God for that. They load her in a ambulance and in the matter of minutes of arriving they were gone. I jump in the back and we take off to the nearest hospital.

All I could think was: what have I done?