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The Ex who got away

I've had a funny dream. A dream that made me think of unwanted thoughts. Thoughts that made me question myself.

Natandaan ko ang lumang paaralan namin nung nasa elementarya pa lang ako. It is an old building surrounded by so much trees that you'd lost count.
Nag-iisa lang akong naglalakad sa ground ng time na yun, nararamdaman ko ang malamig na hangin pero maaraw na panahon.

Nakita ko sa di kalayuan ang pamilyar na pigura ng isang lalaki na humahangos palapit sakin. He's so familiar that even in a distance I knew and recognized him.

My Ex.

Ika nga nila, the one that got away.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit sya nandun nung time na iyon at kung ano ang koneksyon niya sa dati kong paaralan. Honestly, I never thought of that. In my dream, my only concern when I saw him was to find somewhere to hide.

Don't misunderstand. Wala akong kasalanan sa kanya. Siya ang may atraso sakin. Pero iyon ang unang reaksyon ng katawan ko. Kaya iyon ang sinunod ko.

Nagtago ako, sa naglalakihang puno, sa mga classroom. Even sa likod ng mini stage namin. Pathetic. But in that dream, I thought I made the right decision.

Pero hindi din siya tumigil sa kakahanap sakin. He seems to have a radar that could easily find me. Pero nagmatigas ako. Hindi ko siya kinausap. Ni hindi ako tumingin sa kanya ng direkta.

Natakot ako. The fear seems to be rooting with the knowledge that he succeeded in hurting me before. What if, he'll hurt me even more?

Sa kakaiwas ko sa kanya, di ko namalayan na nakapasok ako sa isang kwarto at may nakita akong dating kaibigan. I knew she was my friend but I couldn't remember her.

Tinanong niya ko kung ano ang problema. Mukha daw akong may tinatakasan. Which is true. Kaya sinabi ko sa kanya na nakita ko ang ex ko at iniiwasan ko.

Pareho kaming dumungaw sa bintana at hinanap kung nasa paligid lang ang ex ko. I saw him sitting in a bench near us. He was looking at the room where we were pero mukhang hindi niya kami nakikita.

"Your ex looks lost. Ba't ka pa niya hinahabol kung break na kayo? And what's with his expression. Para siyang nawawalang tuta." komento ng kaibigan ko.

I look at him and I saw what my friend have seen. Parang tulala ang ex ko na nakatingin sa kwarto kung nasan ako. Anong nangyari ba't siya ganyan, I wonder. Was he having problems of his own? Bakit niya ako hinahabol? Kakayanin ko bang makausap siya ulit?

I look at my friend, na nakatingin na pala sakin. She seems to be reading my thoughts.

I am conflicted. I don't know what to do.

"Kausapin mo. " sabi ng kaibigan ko. She must have read my thoughts.

"What will I tell him? Ang tagal na nung huli kaming nagkita. Our break-up wasn't pleasant." I asked.

"Then listen to what he has to say. Kung ganyan naman pala na siya ang lumalapit, baka may gusto siyang sabihin?" payo ng kaibigan ko.

Huminga ako ng malalim. Handa na ba ako?

I went inside a bathroom and look at myself. I look like a mess. Hindi ko nagustuhan ang nakikita ko. Bakit ako affected in the first place?

Inayos ko ang sarili ko at lumabas. My friend smiled at me and nodded. I smiled back and drew a deep breath before going out.

Nandun pa din siya sa pwesto kung saan ko siya nakita.

Lumapit ako, alam kong nakita niya ko dahil sakin na siya nakatingin. Malungkot ang mga mata. He looked defeated. What's wrong bel? What happened to you?

I didn't get a chance to ask him dahil nagising na ko sa panaginip ko. It's as if, my mind tried to stop the impending conversation dahil walang kahit anong stimulus para magising ako. Kusa lang talaga. At kahit anong balik ko sa pagtulog, my sleep escapes me.

Then I realized, it was never meant for me to know what he wants to tell me.

Ang tanong ko lang, bakit ko siya napanaginipan matapos ng mahabang panahon? What was my mind trying to tell me? What must have I known?