Happily Depressed

It's strange how life can turn out. It's so good in books fairy tales and in general philosophy live life to the fullest of course if one is not a fan of reality cinemas they are as fucked up as reality.

I am a woman according to age definition almost 27 yrs and not married. Although my family are trying but they say my stars has fault apparently born in some astrologically wrong date? Supposedly.

I was born in what you can say an upper class family and in an upper caste as per our society norms. Everything was supposed to be nice and good if not perfect but I guess life fucks you up no matter caste creed or colour. And so here breathing as per standard norms alive and kicking although the kicking part seems to be not relevant because life just kicked me in my balls of course hypnotically .

I was abused as a child by my family driver to quiet long period of time. Sometimes I think I enjoyed it but the more logical part argues, how a someone of four can or five years of age decipher what sexual exploitation is. Although it did seems off but there was no one to talk to, even though there were so many around. I was mature way before my mental charts could hit the adult button. I understood things I hated my parents I horrifically hated my brother for all my misery because he was the centre of everyone attention. Although my mother a housewife never was partial but she never paid attention of what was happening, I was suffering. They still don't understand what I went through.

I thought luck can never be so bad there is always hope. Hope I must quote is the most degraded word the main culprit of my misery. The gravest mistake I made was to HOPE. The saying third time is a charm or the evergreen philosophy of my mother that everything has a meaning and one always end up with fortune after surviving the hard times. But apparently not me.

I never once cribbed for being the most unfortunate as I always saw what others cried for what others are lacking and how blessed I was as compared to the many. And so I hoped that my sunshine would come my luck will turn. So I prayed and thanked the almighty for whatever I had.

Born in December under the merriness of Christmas I was a cursed child. The moment I was bon it was declared I would be a jinx on my father's life, he was not allowed to look at me foe three months with predictions of hard marriage all in just a day merely minutes of being born. And so it started my cycle of life. My father had a transferable job we shifted to different cities. He the bane of my young life the driver a family servant moved with us. It all started when I was in standard one a child barely out of kinder garden. He touched me in my intimate parts did things to me and I wasn't able to comprehend. He use to tell us stories take me to secluded places and my parents never got the hint. The heinous things he did I still cannot describe. It carried on till I was in fifth year of my school. I think finally paid for my sins in past life and so he was gone. And we shifted to a new city.

I saw him once again when I was in ninth standard the malice and greed he held in his eyes seeing me all grown still haunts me. But what taunts me most was that he was with a young child a girls, another soul deemed with the same curse. I could not do anything so I just watched as I passed by them. It was a crime I committed a few more of the sins I collected. I was never a normal child there were so many things so much in me all bound up in my mind in my flesh. Never was good at making friends a fat girl in an all convent school. And so time passed and with it i developed something of a façade. I dreamed I portrayed my life in words I read in stories I read in a world different from my time line and I survived my stepping into adulthood. I passed my twelfth class I was always good with my work , I just gargled everything never gave much thought about understanding things or subjects because the one thing I learnt was that it hurts like a bitch if you realised or grabbed hold of something.

After a seminar in my school I came across STDs HIV information's and I was afraid I was petrified about it. I had a disorder i understood latter an obsessive compulsive disorder. Overthinking imagining situations the most bizarre ones the most hideous ones I was always a negative person. And my parents just added fuel to the already burning it of my life. You are fat a useless child why can't you act like a proper girl ,at your age I was so pretty so intelligent so perfect look at you even a donkey looks better at your age. And so it added to my box of Pandora. I never showed any sign of sadness I was always the happy chubby kid at school whose parents were just perfect.

icode 3W~@