I’m not sure she understood what he was saying. She nodded her head and all, but her eyes seemed to scream “No!” I mean, I guess she understood in her head what he was saying, she was nodding it and all, but I think in her soul she didn’t. You know that saying about eyes being windows to the soul? Her eyes were saying no, and her soul was too.
I remember I was sitting in the corner of the room just gazing up at them. Mom, who was saying yes and no, Dad, who stood beside her, and the man with the uniform, talking to them both.
Dad wasn’t saying yes or no. But, I think he understood the man. He was always calm.
I remember one time I was sitting in the yard digging for worms. I didn’t find any worms, but I found a rock. It was really smooth and a pretty color, so I put it in my pocket for later. I don’t know what I thought I was going to use it for. But at school some little boy, who I don’t remember now, made me mad.
I clenched my fist around the rock and squeezed it tight. I don’t remember what he did to make me mad; I can never remember details like that. But I do remember taking my hand out of my pocket and throwing the rock at him. I don’t think I meant to hurt him; I mean, I can’t remember if I did. Like I said, I can never remember little details like that.
Anyhow, I do remember the blood- there wasn’t much- and the teacher yelling at me. I cried a lot then because I knew I had done something wrong. They made me sit in a chair in the back room by myself for a long time until my dad showed up.
I was still crying and I guess that’s why he didn’t yell at me; no one likes to see a little kid cry. He was really calm and got me to stop crying. But, on the car ride back, I remembered the rock and started crying again because I wanted it back.
So, either because he loved me or because he wanted me to stop crying (but probably both) he drove me back to the school so I could get my rock back. I washed it for hours that night, so that all the bloodstains, real and imaginary, were gone.
My dad has always been calm. So, when he stood with my mom in front of the police officer and was still calm even though Mom was saying yes and no, I wasn’t worried. If my dad wasn’t, I wasn’t.
I know now that my dad was saying yes and no. He was just good at hiding his feelings. Just like with the rock. He was saying yes I love you and no stop crying. This time he was saying yes I’ll come with you but no I don’t want to.
But I didn’t know any of this at the time. At least, I don’t remember knowing. Like I said, I can never remember details like that.
