Invisibility

Dark holes

Hi my name is Daisy Peterson and I am 13 years old. I live with my mum and dad. I an only child which has its perks but sometimes I'm in need of a friend and a loyal companion.I'm am not your average teenage girl, I love to do craft and I love making mini movies with my family. I also love to learn about nature and animals, such as biodiversity. I'm pretty tall with red hair, green eyes, my facial features are slim and bony and I have quite a tan complexion. I love long dresses and also I am very fond of the writer Jacqueline Wilson's novels. Fitting in at school has never been an easy task. People have ridiculed me for my top marks in school and I have just been very unpopular ever since people found out the truth behind my shy and isolated self. I have moved around a lot mum, says that I should be able to make friends but to be honest I have not got the mind to have one nor the confidence. I have never been able to make small talk or even go close to people as a matter of fact. My life is evolved around schooling, family and we might as well say loneliness. Have you ever felt so invisible that not even you can see yourself in the mirror? It's almost like you have locked yourself out from reflection and trapped yourself in a dark hole of invisibility. Picture a neglected dog trapped under a house finding it hard to stay alive, well that's who I feel in my emotions they are locked up. My mind is full of questions and no answers like why am I unpopular? What is my purpose in life? Why am I here? Mum says that life is Like a splintery piece of wood, to make the rough edges smooth you must put effort in and sand back the rough edges to show your true self. You must be wondering at this point why my father is brought up so little, well my dad has got cancer he has had for over a year, and he has not long to go and the doctors said he is lucky he is alive still. You see when I was 12 he got really sick and the cancer went undetected so by the time they found the cancer it was far too late. Sometimes the sadness comes and shreds the best of me and the darkness erodes my soul till I have no happiness to connect with me. I have depression just in case your unaware. I have much misery and darkness overwhelming me to the state of massive panic attacks. Mum says that she is very sad that I feel this way and she try's to dedicate her heart and warmth into me. My mum and dad have moved me around a lot in hope that I will find a place I can call home but so far that has been a waste of time cause now we are back in Australia trying to find an area where I can possibly have a friend. In the past I have had people call me names such as weirdo, trump, poop mouth then it progressed to them dunking my head in the toilet and shoving me in to lockers with mouldy cheese, two week old bread and banana peels. I Remembered it  in year 3 some kids poured off milk on to my head and I spend days trying to get the stench out of my hair while mum tried to get the stains out of my top and tunic. My life is a total riot it's Li,e you try to be cool but your mouth says all the wrong things, I mean people laugh at me because I can't spell when I'm a grade A student. Do you ever wonder what you have done wrong or why you are just not seen human? I like to write poems a lot as well so you can imagine my vocabulary is not boring.
Hear is one I wrote:
Can you see me?
Of course you can, you just choose to cease to know I exist
My power slowly dwindles away and my life starts to fade
Why am I you punching bag?
Why am I your chew toy?
You can't see me but I'm right here
Why did you pick me?
What have I done?
My life is starting to cave but my heart goes on
Please don't hurt me. I'm only human
Who are you? You are my bully!
Please stop....
My life is a lie and I can't see why the darkness chose me. Everyday people say I'm stupid  and I have not meaning on earth but everyone does. I hear crying at night and I know it's my heart saying it wants to give up but my brain says stay your mum and dad need you. Well last night father passed away in his peaceful dreams and mum said he had to go. I don't want him to go but I know he had to. Mum said we will have a funeral and a couple of weeks after my 14th birthday next week. The hard reality is starting to cover what ever happiness I had and now my father is gone but perhaps God needed him more and the angels needed him as well. I know that he wouldn't want me to feel glum but the Devils inside a charging my battery to make me sad so now I feel as though my home is caving in on me, as though I have claustrophobia. Oh I think I should mention that when I was 5 years of age I was diagnosed with schizophrenia which is a  illness that disturbs the functioning of the mind. It causes intense delusions and hallucinations. Mine is not very serious in is fairly mild which is, an upside so I can focus on my schoolwork. I have not told anyone this not even my teaches but I feel as though people have picked up on it because they call me hallucination-girl. I never look forward to starting at a new school because every time I do it goes bat crazy and I end up in plaster casts and slings, I never get to have the freedom that others have I basically isolate myself and mum does as well. It has not been the same since dad got sick and passed away today.