Brown sugar and Lavender

Chapter forty five: I can't help falling in love with you

I was pleasantly surprised to find that Meredith had already fed them, and the three of them were passed out asleep. One on the kitchen table (I hated that, but they always seemed to get into the weirdest of spots), one on the couch and another on top of the dryer.

Somehow, though it remains a mystery, I managed to drag my body upstairs and into our bedroom.

"Long day?" Meredith asked comfortingly upon seeing my distressed face. I nodded in reply, before stripping off my clothes and throwing on an oversized t-shirt as pyjamas. Another pregnancy perk, I was always warm.

"This whole being pregnant thing is fun until the baby gets big and learns how to kick" I complain, crawling into bed.

"You're still not all that big" Meredith pointed out, before settling between my legs and resting her head on my belly.

"What are you doing?" I ask with a chuckle. Meredith loved to talk to the baby, every chance she got she was talking to him.

"You got to spend all day with her" she mumbled into the fabric of my shirt "it's my turn to get some belly time" then, she proceeded to talk to the baby, telling him how her day was and all about the surgery she did. She got excited while telling her favourite parts, as if my belly would respond to what she was saying.

I sat quietly and watched, not wanting to disrupt their conversation. I remembered every reason why I loved her when she did this, I remembered how it felt falling in love with her.

But I guess when you fall in love with someone, you fall in love with everything about them, including how they kiss. Because right now, kissing her, I don't think I'd ever be able to kiss another person.

I'd thought that when I realized just how much I love her, and I didn't think I'd ever stop thinking that. I fell in love with all of her, and I couldn't ever remember a time where I'd kissed someone else. There had been times, but those felt ancient whenever I looked at her. Nothing else mattered, nobody else mattered, it was just her.

"Why are you smiling?" Meredith asked me, breaking my train of thought "is our conversation funny to you?" She joked.

I shake my head. "Do you remember when we first meta." I ask, randomly. It felt like so long ago, but it really wasn't. I felt like I'd been loving her since the beginning of time, and I knew I'd love her til the end of time.

She laughs, plants a kiss on my belly button, and nods. "Of course; you were a tornado of everything I'd ever wanted, complete with red lipstick"

The woman walked up to us, upon closer inspection, I realized she was wearing bright red lipstick. She had to be without a doubt the most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen. She had bright blue eyes that had some mischief in them and a smirk that made me wonder what the hell was so funny. Her fiery red hair fell in soft curls down her shoulders, and just the way she carried herself had me wondering who she was and why she was so intriguing.

"You were gorgeous" Meredith stated, as if it were a fact and not merely her own opinion "bright red lipstick, bright blue eyes, a smirk that made me wonder was what so damn funny. You were perfect, absolutely perfect"

I suddenly began to feel self conscious; I was big and pregnant, swollen ankles and fingers were a far cry from my previous self. Now, I was exhausted looking all the time, my hair was long gone to the birds and my eyes were lined with dark circles instead of eyeliner.

"Do you ever miss that?" I ask her "that Addie? The one who wasn't all fat and swollen?"

She looks up at me, and grey eyes meet blue. She doesn't waste a second before she's up, pulling me into her arms as easily as she did when I wasn't a whale.

"You know what I thought when I realized I was in love with you?"

"No"

I remember exactly the moment I realized I loved her. It was one of those cliche moments where you're suddenly engulfed in emotion, where all you can feel is your heart beat and you know it beats for a certain person. Well my heart, it beats for her.

"I thought" She smiled, kissing my forehead "that you were it; you were my heart. Every beat in my chest was for you, every day for the rest of my life, it would beat for you"

She was here, she was gorgeous and God dammit, I loved her.

"It wasn't anything special" Meredith continues "it wasn't some grand moment with a grand gesture; it was simple. Nothing about you is ever simple, but for once, this was. I was standing there, looking at you, and I knew. Knowing you were there was what got me through the day"

"That was old me, before-" she cuts me off abruptly.

"Before you were carrying my child" she states "before you were my wife. Before you were my life" emotion is clear in her voice, and she somehow manages to hold me tighter, a gentle kind of tighter that made me want to never let her go "you are the love of my life. I'll never love anyone like this again; you're it. And it amazes me, absolutely amazes me, that you're having our child. You are creating life, you are keeping our little tiny unborn baby with ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes alive every single day. And Addie bunny, you have never looked more gorgeous to me" she promises.

"I'm fat and swollen!" I laugh as tears run down, down, down. "I'm big and I'm cranky and I'm always exhausted. I don't understand how you can find something to love about that"

"You are fat and swollen" she agrees "but I don't care; there's more of you to love. There's double the love, because you are fat and swollen and pregnant. You're supposed to be fat and swollen because you have a baby in your belly. Every single day, I find a new version of you to love"

"The first version was probably the best version"

"No, baby, this one is. I know you don't see it, I know you don't think you're anything but a mess, an absolute disaster, but you're my disaster. I might've loved the first version of you first, but every one that comes after I seem to love more and more. When the baby's born, when you're a mom, I know I'll love that one even more. But this one, right now this one is my absolute favourite"

I smile, silent tears still running down my face. "I fall more and more in love with you every damn day; even when I don't think there's room for any more love, you still manage to do it"

"I'll be making more room for even more love until the day I die, baby. Don't ever forget that"