Bittersweet Survival

CHAPTER 12: "I was terrified"

"What if they get held up?" Strand asked.

"We'll keep pressure on the wound." The doctor informed him turning away and walking far enough away.

"You have excellent beside manners, Andres could take a few tips." Strand commented dryly.

"I volunteered at county USC through High School. The nurses taught us that what you don't say to patients is as important as what you do say." She shared with Strand applying pressure on his wound.

"For instance?" Strand asked in hope of keeping a distraction from his pain.

"I'm not going to tell you it's going to be alright." Alicia gravely shared with Strand keeping her eyes on his wound instead of meeting his gaze.

"Why on earth not?" Strand groaned out.

"It might not be," Alicia replied making him laugh.

"I changed my mind, your bedside manners as abysmal." Strand laughed out keeping his gaze on Alicia.

"You didn't seem like someone who liked sugar coating." Alicia shared with a big smile.

"I don't, never needed it." Strand muttered.

"same" Alicia replied and I glanced between them unable to relate as no one had ever really told me or tried to comfort me. I'd never been in the situation. Never had anything remarkably hard happen in my life that hadn't happened to millions of other people. But these two people sitting in front of me were stronger than I could ever hope to be because of all the trials they've endured. I haven't been through any of it. I doubt I ever would.

"You said you raised yourself, what does that mean?" Strand asked starting a conversation with Alicia.

"I was helping everyone else, I was a doctor to Nick, through his withdrawals and my dad..."Alicia trailed off remembering everything she'd ever done yet no one ever did anything for her. Not really.

"Your mother?" Strand asked softly.

"Had her hands full." Alicia replied.

"You have her all to yourself now." Strand groaned out.

"I didn't want it like this. I'm still not sure she actually sees me." Alicia confessed.

"Then make her." Strand ordered slowly. I met Alicia's gaze giving her a sad smile. After what seemed like a while she took a break and it was my turn to place pressure on him as she went to the bathroom. "Will you finally confess?"

"I'm taking your advice, but I have a lot to fear by giving it up." I replied worriedly a small smile forming on my lips sadly.

"You can tell me, I'm dying anyway." He shared. I couldn't help the unsettling pit in my stomach. I'd feared anyone ever finding out my whole life. My whole life I'd tried to keep this secret, I didn't want people to know what had happened to me, how fucked up the famous Luther family was. I knew if he'd told anyone about it in the future I'd easily deny it. But it was this constant weight on my chest, exploding in massive bouts of pain and shame.

"When I was a child, my father, you know he used to come into my room, read me stories. The usual a father would do for his daughter. I was confused when it started, he used to play these games with me, holding me, touching me, I didn't realise until I got older, and it got worse. I thought...I thought that was how you were supposed to act with your parents. But I was always a very secluded child. They never really let me outside with kids my own age. When I got older and socialising became a thing, my father he knew I'd found out what he'd been doing to me was wrong so he wasn't so playful and passive about it. I didn't want to tell anyone. I was terrified of what he would do to me. But it only got worse as time went on, he became more aggressive with his advances. He tried to keep me close, but pulled away slightly when I started seeing Nick. I still remember it like it was yesterday though. I hate him for what he did to me. I hate myself." I felt my lip quiver, tears falling and I'd never felt so ashamed of myself. Ashamed of what I'd just confessed. I felt his eyes on me, pitying me, not sure if he ever wanted to touch something so damaged and used. I let go of his wound quickly and Alicia walked in right at that time and I heard him calling out for me but I ran out quickly disappearing down into the bar. Holding my head I took massive amounts of drinks from the bottle. I'd felt the shame rise and fall in my chest as I downed drink after drink trying to forget I'd ever told him.

I never wanted to tell anyone. Not about what happened. It was wrong. I was all wrong. That's all I was, a victim, a statistic. A stupid rich statistic. I tried to expel the traumatic flashes of him, my own father, gripping me, running his hands over my body forcing me down, drawing blood, me letting a curdling scream but in the end submitting because I knew there was nothing I could do. There never was. I laid there all night, just knowing he wouldn't like me after this. He would feel disgust every time he saw me. I remember the time I'd contemplated telling Nick the truth. I so badly wanted to tell him, get it off my chest but I talked myself out of it.

Who would ever love someone who was incest molested by their father up until the age of 15. He wouldn't love me. He wouldn't have loved me no matter how good or how kind he was. I always knew he wouldn't love me. I wasn't worth it. But just the day before I had finally talked myself into telling him, he'd just left, disappeared. No one told me where he went. Not Maddison. Not Alicia. No one. But it just proved what I knew all along, no one could ever love me. I was too far gone for that.