Anxiety

Chapter 1

What should I do with my hands?!

I shove them to my sides, swinging awkwardly. I stop. My arms move closer to my sides as I continue walking. It feels so stiff and unnatural! I resolve to shove my hands in my hoodie pockets, clutching my thumbs.

People are looking at me...

It seems as if every face that walks by is pulled up in a sneer, regarding me.

Is there something in my hair? Maybe it is my expression? What kind of face am I making? Am I frowning?

I try to school my face into a more neutral expression.

My lips are drooping...

I try to smile a bit more.

People are still looking at me! Do I look crazy?

I try to smile less. My hands become clammy. Sweat is starting to run down my neck and back. Fingernails dig into my palms as I gasp for breath.

I can't breathe! I feel like I'm going to throw up. Just look down. Don't make eye contact.

I can only take shallow breaths as I hurry home. I rip my hands out of my pockets and clutch my left wrist with my right hand, walking faster and faster, a flurry of feet passing me by. I start scratching my wrist, picking up pace. I probably look so weird...

The gate slides open after scanning my fingerprint.

Put one foot in front of the other.

A student passes me by, looking me up and down.

My legs wobble as I start to ascend the two flights of stairs. I'm out of breath. All my muscles feel sore. My clothes are damp with sweat. It feels like I have run a marathon!

Walking to my apartment door feels like trying to run in water. Shaking hands grasp the handle and shove the door open. I stumble inside, slamming shut the barrier to my haven. Trembling legs collapse, quivering hands grasp the too tight shirt collar and rips the garment imitating a boa constrictor off. After some difficulty, the shoes come off. My upper body finally gives in to the temptation of the cool tiled floor. I lie in the middle of my small kitchen, soaking up the wonderful chill of winter air and tiles digging into my back, my breathing evening out. I feel absolutely spent.

I must have looked so stupid.

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