My name is Hope Jackson. To anyone else I'm a sweet, caring, strong-willed woman with a good head on her shoulders. To my husband, Finley, I'm equivalent to dirt on the bottom of your shoe, especially when I'm not obedient; when I don't follow the rules, and believe you me, there are a lot of them. I learned long ago that you don't show weakness in front of others, instead you hide behind a smile and pleasantries. Make everyone believe that everything is hearts and roses.
With Finley, everything felt so natural in the beginning. The way he would open the door for me. The way my hand fit perfectly into his. That sparkle that every little girl dreams of her future husband to have in his eyes every time he looks at her. Those things lasted all of 5 minutes once I was officially his according to the great state of Pennsylvania. A dark side was hiding deep beneath the surface up until those two little words left my lips. In that moment, he officially owned every bit of my soul.
My life revolved around him for so long, I wasn't sure who I was anymore. Was I just another face in the crowd, or would I stand out? Did I have a purpose other than loving him? These are the thoughts that troubled my mind on more than one occasion. Safety. Comfort. I decided that I needed to step out of my comfort zone and truly live life to the fullest, but with him, I felt like I was stuck in the moment, that this was all there would ever be for me. I couldn't do it anymore. Days shifted into each other, the same repetitious duties day after day. That's what it all felt like. Duties... Cinderella before the ball. I couldn't live with not knowing, which is why I had to say good-bye...
The secrets we hide inside are not what defines us. The hidden truths from those we claim to be close to, yet inside stay distant from for fear of judgement, fear that the outcome for us could end up being far worse than the current situation. I had to escape the prison that has become my life, and if that meant leaving the only thing I've known for the last several years, than that's what I was going to do. Do whatever I have to, to forgive myself. If I kept going through my entire life holding onto something that only destroys my happiness, I knew I would never be able to find inner peace.
As humans we tend to sometimes be reckless, but I couldn't let that destroy me, to shape who I am. It's just one wrong turn; not the end. If I listen to everyone else about who I am, I will eventually lose myself. People's opinions have a way of trying to shape us into someone who we are not. I tried to let others define who I am as a person. I've had a lot of time to think about the things that could have taken me down.
I didn't want to get stuck because I am afraid of what is on the other side of the doorway that I can not see. Yes, it's true, what could be on the other side could be scarier than what is right in front of me, BUT, it could also be something so much more beautiful than what's right here. Something so much better. It's so easy to see the bad, but finding the good in every situation was a bit rougher. I realized that what we radiate from ourselves, is what we will see in others. If we radiate sadness, that's exactly what we will find in someone else. I thought that by trying to find myself in someone else that I would be happy. I was... for a while at least. I was happy with Finley, I just wasn't happy with MYSELF, and he saw it; it showed. That was the worst of it. Knowing that I couldn't help them understand something that I didn't even understand myself.
I am damaged, this much I know is true. I've been through things that most people can't even imagine. I've been kicked and beaten when I've been down; It's a feeling that I wouldn't want anyone else to have to feel. If I can't forgive myself for the way I am, then how can I possibly expect someone else to forgive me and see things from my point of view as well. I thought that if I couldn't save myself, I would at least be able save someone else. That's not how it works, though, because if we can't save ourselves, then how can we possibly know how to save another damaged soul.
