Pre War Bucky Barnes One Shots

Finally (Part 34)

"Okay." You swallow. "And Steve, don't beat yourself up about this. It isn't your fault. Look after yourself too."

"If there's anything I can do to help you please let me know," Peggy says sympathetically.

"Thanks Peg, but right now I think I just need to go home and make sense of this, it hasn't really settled in yet," you say hollowly. "And figure out what I'm going to tell the kids."

"Okay." She nods understandingly.

It's true. If you were told something like this would happen this isn't how you'd imagine reacting. But you're just in shock.

"Seriously though Steve, if you need any help with anything or you hear anything at all please let me know," you say blankly.

"Of course." He offers you genuine smile.

"I'll keep you updated on everything," Howard chips in and pats you on the back.

Despite your trembling, you rise to leave. They insist on dropping you home and you clean yourself up before arriving. As you walk up the steps you have no idea how you're going to face the kids without breaking down. Even though you really shouldn't have, you were so caught off guard and in a rush to get down to meet Steve, Peggy and Howard that you had to leave Luke to look after his siblings. Just another thing to feel bad about. At least you weren't long though.

You wipe your hands over your face and take a big deep breath before opening the door and walking inside.

"Hey guys sorry about that." You sigh.

"Mummy! Is daddy home?" Isla squeals excitedly.

You can't help but falter at this and feel like you're going to be sick.

"No," you mumble quietly. "No he's not. He's still on his mission sorry bub." You lie. "I don't know when he'll be back."

"Aw but I miss him!" She exclaims.

"I miss him too," you say in a strained voice.

"Why did you have to go down there then?" Luke asks.

You can tell by the look on his face that he knows something is up. Dammit, why does he have to be such an intelligent, kind kid?

"Ah, Aunty Peggy and Howard were just giving me an update on things," you say as casually as possible.

"Oh right." He nods and you think you've gotten away with things. "And um, I think Theo needs a nap. He's been kind of cranky," he adds.

"Okay I'll go put him down now." You huff. "Thanks again and sorry about that Luke. Good girl for behaving Isla."

"That's okay mum," they both chime.

When you take Theo into the quiet of his room it takes everything you have not to start crying right then and there. You hug him tighter to your chest than you ever have before, thinking that him and Isla could very well be the last connection you have to Bucky, as if holding him close will bring Bucky back or at least keep him safe. But once the tears do start silently falling down your cheeks you place him in his cot and head to your own room where you sit on the bed and just stare blankly at the wall as you cry quietly to yourself, the only thing to be heard is your sniffling.