A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
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Guy: Wanna suck my dick?
Girl: No.
Guy: Probably for the best. I mean, it has a label-Warning! Choking Hazard!
Girl: Isn't that the warning put on tiny objects?
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Boy: Wanna here a joke about my Dick? Nevermind, its too long.
Girl: Wanna here a joke about my pussy? Nevermind, you'll never get it.
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A man escapes a prison where he has been locked up for 15 years. He goes into a house and finds a young couple in bed. He forces the young man into a chair and duck taped him there. Then he leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes into the bathroom. The man whispers to his wife "Honey this man is an escaped convict look at his clothes. He probably hasn't seen a young woman in years, I saw the way he kissed your neck, so do whatever he says of he might kill us be strong honey love you." The wife leans over and whispers "He wasn't kissing my neck he whispered in my ear that he was gay and thought you were cute. So he asked if we had any lube, I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey love you too."
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A pregnant woman got shot 3 times and recovered, but the bullets were never found. Later she had triplets, two girls and one boy.
Many years later, the first girl came up to her mom and told about how she peed out a bullet.
The next day the second came up and the mother said, "Lemme guess, you peed out a bullet too." She was right.
The next day her young boy came up to his mom and says, "Mom, I'm so ashamed of what just happened" The mother replied, "Aw, honey, it's alright, your sisters peed out a bullet too, it's nothing to be ashamed of."
"No, that's not it" he said. "I was rubbing myself, and I think I shot the dog"
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A girl broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.
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Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said " I'll give you 100 dollars if you have sex with me." The girl looked at him shocked and said "hell no!" He said it'll be real quick I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend over and get it, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up! She thought for a moment and told him that she would have to talk to her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, " ask him for $200. Pick up the money really fast, and he won't be able to get his pants down!" She agreed and accepts the proposal. 30 minutes go by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriends call. Finally after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and ask "what the fxck happened!" Still breathing hard she managed to reply, " that bastard had all quarters!!!"
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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
A Seatbelt
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Teacher: Can you use harassment in a sentence?
Student: Her mouth said no but her ass meant YES.
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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today, Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
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Little Johnny is in his closet when he hears a noise. His mom comes in and starts having sex with someone other than his dad. He hears a door slam and his mother say "Oh no, my husband his home! Quick! Hide in the closet." The man get in the closet and little Johnny says "Dark in here isn't it?" The man is startled but then calms down. "Yes it is." "Do you want to buy my baseball glove?" "No." "I could go to my dad." "Fine. How much? "$200" Fine. This happens again later in the week. "Dark in here isn't it?" "Yes, yes it is." "Do you want to buy my baseball bat?" "How much?" "$300" A few days later his dad wants to play ball with him and tells him to go get his glove and bat. "I can't. I sold them to my friends." "For how much?" "$500" "That is way too much. I am taking you to church right now for a confession. They get to the church and little Johnny gets in the booth. "Dark in here, isn't it?" The reverend says, "Don't start that shit agin. Your in MY closet now."
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Some one asked me how people view lesbians in my country. Apparently 'Usually in HD' wasn't the answer they were looking for.
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Random Funny Stuff!
HumorThese are all jokes that I have either heard, told, read or found on the internet. Hope u guys like them! :D
