Larry and Harry

He arrived early, but the church was already full. Larry was the deceased’s best friend, and he would take part in the farewell tribute. Larry hated speeches, talking at parties – or funerals – or any other sort of formal occasions, especially in front of several people he didn’t give a damn about.

Truth be told, Larry and Harry – excuse the rhyme – were never best mates. At least, not from Larry’s point of view. Larry knew Harry since they were kids. They had been next door neighbours all their lives; their respective mothers became pregnant around the same time, and gave birth in the same month of the same year. To Harry’s delight and Larry’s dismay, their mothers decided to name them; Larry and Harry (Larry was once told he was named after his grandfather, who died as a war hero but he never believed in that story).

They went to the same kindergarten; they shared the same babysitter, and also, against Larry’s will, they shared the same bed when Harry and both mothers thought sleepovers were a good idea. They would have been if Harry hadn’t had a weak bladder.

It was years and years of clinginess, broken toys, ruined dates and embarrassments. He never understood Harry’s obsession with him. Well, he kind of understood, when he remembered that Harry didn’t have any friend, or cousin, or other neighbour but Larry.

They grew up, went to college and got serious girlfriends… Well, for him it was the hard part, because most of the time he was babysitting Harry and helping him to find a girlfriend. And Harry, bloody Harry! He was scaring away any girlfriend Larry could find.

So Harry got married. “Thank you, God!” Larry thought, but then he had to be around, give advice and be within reach every time Harry and Carrie needed help. “Could you please, help me set up my Internet?”, “Do you know how to change the car oil?” Harry needed Larry for everything.

Now Carrie – it was not her real name, annoyingly she liked to rhyme with the boys – asked Larry, “Harry’s best friend” to say some words on that sad day.

Larry found a seat in the second row near the corridor, feeling somewhat sad, he watched Carrie cry and felt guilty for his relief. He hoped she would never look for him or ask him anything ever again.

The priest read something from the Bible that he didn’t really understand. He never bothered with church or religion or anything of that kind. A girl went to the altar and started to sing a very sad song. After a while, Carrie finally went to the pulpit to say her final words about what a lovely man her husband was. Larry started to wonder how many people, besides the priest, had to talk before it was his turn.

“As everyone knows, Harry was an only child, the only brother he had was our neighbour, and his childhood friend, Larry,” she said and looked at Larry’s direction waiting for him to understand the cue.

He thought to himself, “A man has to do what a man has to do,” and if it meant getting rid of Harry and Carrie and any or other ‘rry’ he was game.

He went to the pulpit and remembered he hadn’t written anything. He didn’t think about what to say either. There wasn’t much he could say about Harry besides the fact he was a needy bastard who finally left him alone.

He held the edge of the pulpit with both hands, trying to balance and feel the solemnity of the moment. He looked at the face of each member of the audience – except the priest, who was on the other side – and started to speak.

“Ladies and Gentlemen,” he said and realised it was the worst way possible to give a funeral speech. He was not in a circus, but hey! What the heck! He didn’t know what to say, “Family and friends of Harry Burman,” he felt better about himself and went on, “I’ve known Harry all my life. We grew up together; we were best friends.” He nearly heard himself saying ‘and I was his only friend’, but he stopped in time. “We went to the same school and the same college. Many times, we even dated the same girls.” He looked around but no one smiled, Carrie looked even more miserable, and he felt he had to finish as soon as he could. “From that fatal day, when I was watchin’ him fixin’ his thatched roof, I’ll always remember his last words.” He could feel Carrie staring at him. “He said: ‘Hold the ladder, Larry!’”

The End

Copyright © Audry Silva 2013

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