Truth

In middle school when most of us are going through of lot of physical and emotional changes, conflicts can occur. And that they did with me. I went to a ratty old middle school where not really anyone was that nice to a poor kid living in the backwoods of Atkins— a town with a population lower then two-thousand. There was either moderately ok, or poor, and I was unfortunately the poor.

So for that I was looked down upon. As a preteen struggling with daddy issues and a alcoholic family, the disgusted looks I received when I first moved to that middle school were of no help to my self esteem. They'd give casual but snarky remarks when I passed by, leave behind mean drawings at the teacher would blame on me, laugh when I asked a simple question. Sometimes they trip me or threaten me but it was never as bad to where they'd hit me, so I didn't think it was bullying.

But all the negative things they had said and "tips" they had given me made me really acknowledge my flaws— so much so that I had to hide all of my skin to feel really safe.

But I never did, in high school and after I felt like someone was always watching my every move, counting my every mistake. It eventually grew on to self-hate. I'd play the piano, mess up, and get so mad at myself. Slamming my head onto the keys or slapping myself— hard was often the outcome of my mistake.

I loathed myself for a very, very long time. When I would go to bed, I'd pray to wake up as a new woman, someone smart and beautiful. Someone not me.

My anxiety would trigger when I'd get out for social events, I'd get migraines from the stress, and the migraines had nasty side effects like small seizures. Eventually I'd hate going outside or socializing and get so, so tired when I did. I'd sleep over twelve hours a day during the summer and completely shut myself off from the world, and lost my best friend on the way.

But it got a lot better when I got a dog, unsurprisingly. Her name was Ellie Mae and she was a Maltese, the sweetest dog ever. She'd been through a lot like me and we gave each other comfort, kept each other stable. Whenever I'd feel all panicky and disoriented I would pick up Ellie Mae and sing to her.

It wasn't one the best methods I conjured up in my mind, but she was someone to talk to. Someone to love and express my emotions with, someone I hadn't had before.

She was my savior.