Spice and Space in life

Day 1

Is God a game player or game changer? Really, I am in an unconscious mind to understand the bitter truth now. On today's date, I am neither atheist or a believer of god . No offence! But many of you who are reading this story might have gone through the series of your life where your thoughts and beliefs shattered down with time and tears came out with the replica of pain. You might have asked then or questioned to your god or may be yourself, " Why me???Why these hard and heartbroken days are not getting over? Why god is punishing me? Why am I cursed?". I actually interrogate myself while writing this story of my life about the reason behind scribbling with words and narrating to you.Well, again i was absolute soundless from my heart and brain to get this answer. 

Having highest degree in education and  teaching experience, I am quite serene in nature.  I remember, I read somewhere:

"The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world.The second face, you show to your close friends and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection  of who you are. "

I am not  judging others but it is the real truth of my personality. I am always frolicsome, cheerful and lively to my parents. My friends and parents often portray me as  a positive character who makes a situation jolly and sparkle with smile.But that's not me. When I was professionally sounded; My colleagues used to describe me that I am quite talkative, bouncy and vivacious. Though I never say  I am not but to fake the world and people is quite easy if you get expertise on that. Since childhood,  I pretended to be jolly and motivated outside to make people fool and to make my heart a little better but it's not the real me! I have seen how my parents is obsessed to the charm and responsibility of my elder sister, I tried to get motivated by her, but I failed. It may be because I knew I could not compete with her in any aspects except in education. I am quite good in academics since my school going days. I have always seen my struggle to find a pretty dress for me at the shops when I was a child;and how my sister got the most expensive dress on her birthday or in any festive season. I was quite lean during my days of teens but I used to belong to a rich family to buy me from an expensive shop where dresses are available of my kind. I always used to buy dresses of an ordinary one from an ordinary shop. Again, my family and closed relatives used to appreciate hercharm and lifestyle and vomit words of disgrace for me. My parents used to nod their head at that moment; while I gazed at them for a positive reply. I guess;they used to feel shame out of me. When a party was thrown out by my family;my sister was the center of attraction and my parents used to judge me against her. I started being secretive then. I started keeping my emotions and my desires in the bucket of dark world of my heart. I began hiding myself in the shades of darkness. When I grew older, I stopped demanding love and emotions from my family as I knew I will be absconded with mild words and sympathy. I settled myself in a fake world full of fantasies and beliefs. I made a world for me where I am the best decision maker. I started encouraging myself to talk within as if I am talking to different characters. I made a fake world for me which actually inspired me to my future actions. I was happy then. It was initially my doze of being happy. I must clarify that my intention of writing the content is not to picture my negativity towards my parents. I proudly honor myself to be their daughter...the youngest and naughtiest. But as I described my story in the beginning that its an ordinary story of an ordinary one.I feel privileged to have their daughter as I grew up with roses and butterflies around my corner. I was appreciated for my education and dancing feet. I grew up in a joyful  and  gay ambiance. But I feel I am quite unlucky enough to be born as I am. I wished if god made my days better i could have pacify my life better.