Dear Love of my life,
Here I am, writing all my feelings down in a computer on a stupid app because I can't tell you this to your face. I love you, I really fucking do even though I shouldn't because you have literally fucked me over so many times. You broke my heart so many times in just a timespan of 10 months. We hadn't even made it to a year, and I was so excited for it, and I thought you were to but I guess I was wrong right? Worse thing I can't even be happy on my birthday because that would have been our one year, and the worse thing is my bus stop is the place you asked me out, so that's great. Yep I do have to say, I'm certainly not going to forget you, trust me on that, I've been trying for the past month, yet I can't bring myself to delete any memories or messages. I can't help that you're the first thing on my mind, and last thing. I also can't help you sneaking into my mind during the day. You have literally left me emotionless.. I rarely smile, I always cry, I have resorted back to self harm and I'm just always fucking numb. I can't even look at my own reflection without breaking down into tears because of all the compliments you use to give me that you seared into my heard because you wanted me to believe them. I miss the way you'd hug me from behind as I did my makeup telling me to please take it off, or when we did each others makeup and we'd purposely mess up and then we'd cuddle. I loved that you were always there for me, I loved that you always wanted to make sure I was okay. I loved that you would be standing there waiting for me when I got off my bus or when I got home from things you were there to surprise me with hugs and kisses because you missed me so much. I miss going everywhere with you. I miss all the inside jokes we had, I miss staring into your eyes and you pulling me close and kissing me. I miss holding your hands, I miss wearing your sweatshirts. I miss all the goofy arguments we had over the best song or movie. I miss staying up till 5 in the morning talking to you, falling asleep knowing you were mine. I miss smoking on the roof holding on to you for dear life because I was scared of falling but you held on to me and said you'd never let me fall. Yet you let me fall in love with you, Why though? The pain I feel right now writing this is worse than any pain I've been in, but you don't care do you? You probably never cared, and if you did obviously not enough because you left me alone at the worst point in my life. Everything came crashing in after you left. I'm living a living hell, and I wanna know what I'm becoming now that you've left. I feel different now that you're gone. I understand why you left though. I wouldn't blame you, honestly. Yet it hurt when you told me that I was your first love and only love, yet I found out after you ended things that I wasn't and that another girl was and you lied to me the whole time. Why would you do that? Why would you make me believe that? Why would you do that to me? I hate you so much for that. I still have every note you've ever given me...well two, you took the rest in a binder I made for us... you took it... just like everything else... my question is, do you miss me like I miss you? Do even have the same feelings I have? God damn I just want to know, yet I can't talk to you, and if I were to you'd brush me off because I wasn't important... I love you with all my heart, and I'm stupid for letting myself let that happen. I miss you. I admit it. I messed up to and I'll admit to that. Yet I should've known that we wouldn't of lasted forever yet I honestly hoped we would... I really hoped... You even said so yourself you would want to get married with me, have kids, and I was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. I guess those were lies to, lies that filled my mind and made me so fucking happy. I hope your happy. I do, yet if not being with me makes you happy then so be it, because honestly your happiness is so fucking important to me. I would do anything for you to make you happy, even if it destroyed me. So to the love of my life, I love and miss you and I hope you're happy. Goodbye.
Love, Me...
