The Loss Of A Child

my child

From the time we are in grade school, to the time we become women, we always dream about what it would be like to have our very first baby. We start thinking about possible names, and who we may marry. Everything we dream about is picture perfect, but why do we never dream about the bad? Why are we never told what could happen to our babies in the womb? This is my story, about the good and the bad, it tends to get graphic so bear with me.

My name is Brittany, I am 19 years old turning 20 soon. I am happily engaged to an amazing man. For a while we talked about having kids and starting a family, it was our biggest dream. For months we tried with no success, then in June I found out I was pregnant. We were ecstatic, we couldn't wait for this little baby to be born. Like most young couples we started thinking about names, how much everything was going to cost, and where we were going to move to.

After I told family and friends we had so much support. I started a baby registry, bought some stuff to make my pregnancy easier, and did my best to keep this baby safe and healthy. When we made my first ultrasound appointment I was certain I was about eight weeks along. As we were sitting in the room waiting for the doctor I began to get extremely anxious. What if I'm not really pregnant my body just thinks I am? What if there's something wrong? Just what if.

The doctor finally comes in and we begin the ultrasound. She tells me I'm actually about 6 weeks and our baby has had a heartbeat for 24 hours. This was the greatest news ever, our little baby was alive and healthy, what could go wrong at this point? My doctor tells me I need to be careful, the first 12 weeks are extremely fragile for our young baby. Why are we never told this in health class?

We go home and I immediately go rest. I am worried now, worried that my baby might get hurt during these 12 weeks, worried my baby might not make it. Our next appointment is 4 weeks away, we can make it that long right? It's really not long at all. At least that is what I hoped.

At about eight weeks I started having belly pains, I figured it was normal. Belly Pains of any kind normally meant you need to eat, or you ate something bad. I didn't think anything of those pains until 9 weeks. At 9 weeks I began to bleed, not a lot, just a tiny bit. We ignored the small amount of bleeding and thought it was fine.

Shortly after we ignored the bleeding we ended up going to the hospital. My belly pain became extreme and I was bleeding a lot more, we were worried to say the least. When we finally got a room they did blood work and an ultrasound. We spent four and a half hours at the hospital before we got any information. Finally the doctor came in and told me I was having a possible miscarriage they sent me home.

The whole way home all I could think was why. Why was I miscarrying? Why did I get sent home? Why my baby? I did everything right. I ate healthy, kept my stress down, was careful at work. So why? Sadly, I will not get any answers to these questions.

Around 2 a.m. I woke up in extreme pain with blood streaming down my legs, I couldn't move. I woke up my fiance and we rushed to the hospital again. When we arrived at the hospital we got checked in and I let the nurse know I was at the hospital about six hours ago. After about 10 minutes spent in the waiting room I felt like I was going to pass out, or vomit. I ended up being rushed for blood work.

My nurse quickly got us to a room and put me on monitors. My blood pressure and pulse was extremely high, I was going into shock from a large amount of blood loss. When the doctor came in he told me I was actively miscarrying. How is that possible? Just hours before I was fine.

My doctor told us he was going to have to clean out any tissue that was possibly inside my cervix and uterine wall. I wasn't sure what was going on because I was still in shock. Next thing I know the doctor is using some device to put me into labor I was losing my baby, and I couldn't fix it. The doctor took my tiny baby out and the pain was gone. I lost my baby. My baby was never going to take their first breath.

After we got home that night I was a wreck. Why did no one tell me this could happen? I just wanted my baby to live. Why aren't we warned about a miscarriage? For some reason, my body rejected my little baby. That will forever crush me. I will forever be emotionally scarred after losing my child.