Anxiety.
It's always so commonly heard, "She turned her cant's into can's and her dreams into plans." However, dealing with anxiety, life is different. It goes a bit more like this, "She turned her can's into cant's and her plans into dreams."
The ever so anxious mind entraps you and the things you thought you could do? Nope. That's practically impossible to accomplish. The things that you hoped would one day be happening? Nope. You can only dream of those aspirations while lying under the stars.
Getting a license? Easy-peasy. When you don't suffer from anxiety. The stoplights, the cars, the sounds, the speeds! It's just all too much.
"You're going a mile over the speed limit.
Was that a cop?
Great."
It's a green light, hurry and go.
No wait it's yellow.
Do I stop, speed up?
"It's red! Fucking stop!"
Ordering your own meals? Simple. Unless you suffer from anxiety.
Hiding behind a friends shadow as they speak the words you spoke to them; passing along your message.
"Wow, the cashier probably thinks your an idiot.
Can't even Oder your own meals.
I thought you were suppose to grow out of being 'shy'?
Why are you still standing here?
Go sit down.
I mean gosh everyone's already noticed how incompetent you are."
Getting extra sauce packets? Too simple. But that was before anxiety was there. Wondering about the peering eyes. How you walk.
"Was that a brief limp?
A twitch?
Did that family notice?
Oh gosh, they did.
Turn around.
Abort mission."
Walking home from school? Doable. Buuut there's anxiety. Again.
The cars driving by probably can notice your thighs rubbing together.
"They're jiggling, can't you walk gracefully?
Your hair is out of place, they'll notice.
Don't make eye contact, they'll see your lazy eye.
Wait did you see that?
That woman stared too long.
Walk faster."
Listening to a class lecture in school? Beyond easy. Yet, you do have anxiety.
"Don't sit like that, your legs look too fat.
Hide your arms.
I mean fuck, are you proud of your scars?
Everyone can see them.
Keep your head down, they're already teasing you.
Want more? Huh?
Don't you dare even raise your hand.
You're too stupid to answer it right.
Plus, what if they laugh at you?
Just hurry and 'go to the bathroom'."
Hanging out with friends? Should be fun. Until anxiety remind you it's not.
"Better wear something nice.
They're already hanging out with you out of pity.
Nope, don't wear that; you're fat enough.
You're too heavy, just call it off.
Say you had plans you forgot about.
You can't go out looking like the mess you are.
The fat-ass pig that you are.
Fine, just hang out for a little bit.
But wear something to cover all you up.
You're horrendous."
Getting a good night's rest? Heck yeah! Wait, you have anxiety. So, no.
"Are you sure you set your alarm?
You got your clothes ready for the morning?
Don't forget about the appoint,net you have in two weeks.
Oh, or about how you said that idiotic thing last month?
Remember that? I bet she does.
So stupid, you couldn't keep your damn mouth shut.
You're going to regret this for the rest of your life.
Don't worry, I'll make sure if it. You don't have to worry about that.
This it's the a comfortable position. You better move.
Ya, about a thousand more times will do.
Dis you hear that? Better look.
Let's look a few times more.
Don't sleep too close to the wall. There's spiders.
Don't sleep under the window.
Oh maybe we should call someone tomorrow. No?
Maybe we should check on our friends.
If you're not a good friend, always checking on them. They'll disown you.
I wish we had someone like us.
That'd be cool.
Okay, goodnight."
"Wait. Did we set the alarm?"
It's there. It always will be. Her voice never leaves you with a moment of silence. No sleep. No easy to eat meals. And no friends. She tears apart... Everything.
