If It Means a Lot To You

Chapter 1-Forgive Me

I stared at the screen, blaring its brightness at me at 4:00 am.

I opened my Facebook app on my phone, wondering who the hell was awake and crazy enough to wake me with a startling "BING" at such an ungodly hour. Especially when I had school in less than 4 hours.

I breathed a sigh, partially in annoyance, and partially in relief because I knew it wasn't too serious. I wish Adam would just leave me alone.

(4:04 am ADAM LIVINGSTON:  Hey, I know it's early. Sorry. But I needed to ask...again...will you ever talk to me again? It's been almost 3 years. I truly am sorry, April. Why can't you see? Even if you don't want to talk to me, will you please forgive me?  I wish you could see it...

I groaned and rolled over and shut my eyes once again.

Adam contacted me at least once a month.  I don't know how many times my mom told him I was busy, when he called on the house phone. "Please tell her I'm sorry," he would say. At first I was filled with rage even thinking about him. Nowadays I was just tired of it all.

I guess he had gotten a new phone or just lost my number, because the texts only lasted for a year or so. They were much to the effect of the Facebook message. The first day of high school 3 years ago, he would try to do everything he could to get my attention. I even got in trouble a couple of times for telling him off.

 I guess it is hard when you lose your best friend overnight.  All of my friends knew not to even bring him up in conversation.  I had only confided in my one closest friend about what Adam had done. Adam and I had been the best of friends...more like brother and sister...until he went and said the wrong thing. 

The next day during lunch my best friend Skylar sat next to me in the creaky old wooden library chair. "My dude...what is with you today?" she asked as I noticed I had been drooling on my hoodie, falling asleep.  "Nothing, I'm good," I said, sitting up straight in my chair.  We always ate lunch in the library because A.) the librarian loved us and B.) we could avoid basically all other human interaction, which was our favorite thing to do.  "Adam's dumb ass messaged me at 4:00 am on Facebook this morning."

"Ugh," Skylar groaned, pulling a sandwich out of her backpack. "He needs new friends." 

"You're telling me," I said, reaching for my phone to let her read the conversation.

Skylar studied the screen for a minute and handed it back to me.  "I dunno, April, I know what he did was completely effed up...but...have you ever actually wanted to forgive him?"

"What?!?"  I shrieked, before remembering we were in the library.  "No way," I said, quieter this time.  "Adam Livingston is dead to me."

"Okay, chill!"  Skylar said, laughing.  "I was just sayin'."  Before long, the bell rang and we moved on to science class.

That night, I logged into my laptop after homework.  My fingers ran over the keys, 'Facebook.com', and I clicked my messages.  The message from Adam stood out to me.  I really ought to give him a piece of my mind.  I clicked his profile picture. Him being goofy as usual, with his wispy black hair in his face and his tongue sticking out.  I flipped through his other pictures.  One of him and his family.  If someone saw this and knew nothing about him they would think this was a happy family. Only I knew otherwise.  His dad beat the hell out of him.  And his mom was really no better, even though she didn't lay a physical hand on him. Looking at Adam's half-smile in the picture with his parents made me sad.

The next picture was not one of him, but of his dog, Snickers.  I wondered if Snickers was still alive. She was a little brown Pomeranian. Adam loved that dog.  When his parents would fight, or yell at him, he would snuggle with her in bed and call me.  We'd talk for hours. 

That was the extent of his Facebook profile.  Not very social media savvy.  I clicked back to the last tab.  It was 11:30 pm.  I didn't realize how much time had passed.  "Adam...", I began.  I had fully been ready to tear him apart, chew him out not only for what he had said 3 years ago...but for waking me up this morning.  But my fingers couldn't move over the keyboard to say that.  I thought long and hard about the times we had. My 11th birthday party, when he was the only one who showed up. In 7th grade when everyone laughed at him for wearing a Spider-Man shirt and I came to his rescue. And in the beginning of 8th grade when I had fallen hopelessly in love with a boy named Billy and he broke my heart.  Adam was there. 

"Adam..." I started.  "I'm sorry too."