A Day In The Life of A Perplexed Mind

(March 6 2017) My day starts with the dread of waking up yet feeling faithful that today will be a better day. Sadness overwhelms me all over again from the previous nightly breakdown, as per usual. My mind almost instantaneously begins to race and ponder miscellaneous forms of made up questions and scenarios in my head. I get so distracted by my own thoughts that I completely waste all the time I have to get ready and make myself look presentable. I just chuck on whatever I can find on my floor and head out the door, pretending like I didn't care how I looked anyway. It's hard for me -even though it shouldn't be, to leave the house looking like a mess. Not only because I'm insecure but because that means people are going to be asking me if I'm okay, simply because I look just that awful (apperently) for not wearing makeup or having brushed my hair. And what that also means is that at any given moment, when some teacher asks me if I've gotten enough sleep or if everything is alright at home I could break down and cry. So on this day I walk back into my room and I go back to bed because somehow I forgot how to breathe as soon as I walked out the door. My mind.. it plays tricks on me and tells me awful things... and what hurts the most is the fact that I hear all the horrible things it says about me in my own voice. So it's me me me. It's me hating myself and my appearance and it's me telling myself I'm not strong enough or good enough to make it through the day. Because god knows what happened last time I had a break down at school. "She's going to kill herself." They said. And just now I'm coming to terms with the fact that it was all true. And to my family, friends and teachers I'm sorry but I just can't make it today. Because never again will I let ANYONE see me that low. It not only embarrasses me, but it makes me look like I've been defeated. It takes a personal tole on my apperenance and I know everyone is judging me just like they did in public school. All the kids would laugh at me when I cried for no reason other than just getting a wave of sadness; and what hurt me the most back then was the fact that I was so young. But here I am. Hibernating in my dark room for the day once again. I hate feeling as though I'm wasting my life away but yet there is absolutely nothing I can do to get myself up and out and face the world. And trust me there is nothing I want more than to feel the suns warmth kissing my cheeks or to feel the frozen ground beneath my feet once again. It's hard to believe, even for me. But oh my god is it ever true. Most days like this I sleep the sunlight away and wake up to the night time darkness once again. But today I sat and let the voices in my head talk it over and I gained nothing but anxiety from it. I couldn't even begin to explain to you the things my mind was thinking but I can tell you this- don't go there. Nothing comes from it. Overthinking creates stress that wasn't there in the first place. The voices in my head continue to tell me I'll never make it. And if I could go one day without a "I wish I wasn't here..." moment I would have 100% hope for my future and the brighter days ahead. Today I tried to calm myself and just relax so here I am explaining to myself and everyone I know what it's like to travel inside my thoughts. Why? I'm not really sure. I just thought maybe this would ease some of the constant pain I feel deep within my heart and soul. If I let it out for once rather keeping it all inside, maybe, just maybe my days will become brighter. So it's worth I shot, I say.