The crowd made that wonderful, magical sound that echoes off the walls and up into the air. I tried my best to slap on the brightest smile, like the kind that people make when they find out they're going to have a baby girl. But for me, it was the most false happiness I've ever known. The fans, they don't know. Ed doesn't know. Even my own family doesn't know. And I plan to keep it that way. I managed to utter out a soft, "Thank you", before running off of the stage and down through the halls. It's built up too far. I knew it was coming. I could feel the hot tears welling up in my eyes, which I wiped hopelessly. I couldn't let anyone see me like this. No one could know. I heard a familiar voice from around the corner call out, "Taylor!" Ed. I wiped my eyes again vigorously, praying that there were no signs I'd just been crying. It didn't work. The first words that come out of Ed's mouth.
"Why are you eyes so red? Were you crying?"
I tried to say, "No", like it was the easiest lie to tell, but it ended up coming out in a breathy croak.
"Taylor...", Ed took my hand softly and lifted my chin. "Look at me", his voice was so calm. My blue eyes wandered up to meet his, which were full of worry and concern. "I know you. And I know that you know that wasn't the truth. You can trust me, Taylor. You can trust me."
"I...It's just that..", Oh God. I wanted to tell him so bad. If anyone in the world was going to understand, it was him. He cupped my face with one hand and brushed his thumb on my cheek with the other.
"Please, Taylor. You're killing me."
I sucked in a quick breath and spoke slowly, "I've been cutting myself since December." I shut my eyes tight, terrified of his response. I opened them again. I don't think I'd ever seen someone look at me like that before. Ed's eyes were glazed with shock, his eyebrows scrunched together in a panic. The tears came quickly, rolling down his cheeks and dripping off of his chin. He just looked at me.
"Ed, please say something. Please don't make me feel even-" I was cut off by Ed throwing his arms around me protectively, hugging me so tight I almost couldn't breathe. But I didn't care. He was here. It was all I needed. No words were spoken for what seemed like forever. Just us in the middle of that hallway, and I lie my head on his shoulder. I felt his grip loosen, and I was met with that face again. I tried to explain, give a reason why, but nothing came out. Ed was the first one to speak.
"Who's making you hurt like this?" I'll hurt them." He growled under his breath.My eyes widened a bit at that statement, and I saw his expression soften. He took ake, cmfy hands again.
"You listen to me. I don't know what just happened, but I'm never going to leave your side. I care about you so much it hurts", he began to cry again, "Why would you do this to yourself, love?" He croaked.
"No, please don't cry over me. You don't deserve to have to worry about this."
"What? Taylor, no! Don't you say that. I'm pained, but it's only because..."
"Only because of what...?" I pushed on.
"Because you mean so much to me. Getting to know you has been one of the best experiences of my life."
"Mine too." I whispered.
"Please, just tell me why." He begged.
"Remember how I told you I never even think of reading comments about me? Well I do. And I have been since October. I know I'm only hurting myself, but I couldn't help it. Every day I keep scrolling and scrolling and I see it all, all of those words all of those threats! Whore, slut, skank, hoe, bitch, fake, cunt, go kill yourself, I hope you get hit by a car! How many guys have you had sex with? Disgusting tramp! Crazy, ugly, annoying, anorexic, fat, dumb, talentless, pathetic!" I screamed and fell to my knees, cradling my head in my heads. Ed crouched down in front of me and pulled me into his lap. He lie my head on his chest and said, "Shh", in a voice that was so gentle I couldn't explain. And we just sat there, in the middle of the hallway on the cold ground.
