Hi my name is Bella, I am here to tell you my story about this person in my life who makes it a living hell. This is an insight into my struggle with this person and how he made me feel.
When I was about eight or nine years old I started dating this boy and I know this seems young but hear me out. When I started dating him I started feeling as though he was a bit controlling, like he would make me do things that I didn't want to do. It was just little things at first but me being young I didn't really think anything was wrong until later on. After a while I started to think that something as wrong like he would keep making me do things a lot of the time. Even at school because he was in my class. I never really talked to anyone about it because I did think something was wrong but then I would brush it off and go naaa nothing is wrong it's just what he does. It's not.
As I got older and continued dating him everything was starting to get better he still did occasionally make me do things but other than that it was ok, until Christmas time 2014. He became so controlling it scared me. I was at my aunties house for Christmas and he began to be afraid of germs on my hands and would not let me hug him, so he made me wash my hands multiple times. He would yell at me and scream in my ear "wash them again!". He never did this in front of my family because he didn't want to be in trouble and I didn't tell anyone because he would get mad. He would make me wash my hands until he believed they were clean. He would do this sometimes until my skin was cracking and bleeding, and even still make me wash them. He for some reason had a certain number of times he wanted me to do this as well which I did not enjoy because of the pain.
For the rest of that year my life was living hell and still is. He would make me was my hands repeatedly even though I knew they were clean, he didn't think so. He would shout "no they are not clean wash them again!". The whole time I would listen to him because I was scared. He didn't let me shower for about a week because he thought I was a bag of germs and I deserved to feel like one. At one point he put soap down my throat and got me to swallow it. This happened multiple times. He didn't let me brush my teeth either at night for about 3 months I don't know why, he wouldn't tell me. I always just listened to him because he kept saying to me "if you don't do this I will do something bad to you or something bad will happen to you. Trust me"
I never knew why he made me do all these things, I used to wish that people would know about what he makes me do and help me but he just brainwashed me into believing if I don't do something something bad will happen and would make me scared to tell people.
He makes my life miserable I wish someone could just help me, please. I don't want to be with him anymore but he won't leave. He doesn't let me do things that I like to do anymore. He also pumps my head full of awful situations and images and makes me believe that I want to do or see those things. I don't, believe me I don't I promise. It scares me a lot. He scares me a lot.
Now you are probably wondering why I haven't said this guys name but there is reason. "He" doesn't have a name because he isn't a person it's a thing in my head. It's OCD. I have OCD and an anxiety disorder. It has made me do these things to myself. I absolutely hate it. It consumes my life. It will put a thought into my head and not leave my head until I do that thing. It has gotten a lot better now with some medication and therapy but it still consumes my life. It makes me do things before events to make sure everything is ok before the event so I don't have to worry about anything, it makes me do things multiple times, check things, look at things multiple times, hear things multiple times, and not do things that I want to do and will make me do things a certain amount of time or until it is right. I used to love drawing and painting but now I feel nervous if I want to draw or something because I know something is going to happen. It gets in the way of my school work and my personal life. I wish it could just go away. The worst thing is the images it puts in you head and situations. These images completely terrify me because it makes you believe that you would want those things or would do those things. It's terrifying because I would never ever do those thing and I would never ever want to do those things. I don't really like talking about it to people like my parents or my therapist because I have to say specifically what it puts in my head or what it makes me do. I hate thinking about. It's in my head all the time and the last thing I want to do is talk about it or think about it more. I hate this thing in my head. It makes my life miserable. I get nervous for social events or just for doing simple things like brushing my teeth because I get scared that it is going to make me do something multiple times or put horrible thoughts in my head. I get scared to do the simplest things. I absolutely hate it when people say "oh I have such OCD about that" when they don't or "aw man you got OCD or something". I just think you don't know the hell I go through everyday so could you please not say that. So many things just terrify me now and I just wish it go away. It's exhausting. I hate my own mind. Just please let it go away.
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