Broken Trust

 I had a friend. A very good friend.
She was the first peron I ran to, when my feelings about that special boy went out of control again.
She was the first person I ran to, when I wanted to talk about sexual experiences.
She was the first person that understood, that you don't need a relationship to be in love with the person you sleep with.

Yes, I slept with a boy, that knew I was in love with him.
And, I slept with a boy, who liked me.
But, I slept with a boy, who was too open-minded to start a relationship with me, because he had the option of playing with other girls and didn't want to lose that possibility.

I am a flexible person.
I change accordingly to how I can survive in my given circumstances.
And I changed, I changed into a girl, that was okay with not being the one and only, changed into a girl, that laughed when hearing her boy tell her, that he couldnt keep himself under control.
I changed into something, that hurt myself.

Even so my boy was a very likeable person. He treated me like the very most important thing in his life (don't count his cats, they are ALWAYS more important).
But if you knew him long enough, you would see that he treats almost every girl he likes like that. And he likes many girls. (Just side information: about 3/4th of his friends are girls. You rarely see him with boy friends.)

So as a „strong" girl I laugh about it, and cry in silence at home. I worry about every girl he sees and touches, but tell myself and everybody else, that it doesn't matter. And sooner or later, I believe it myself.

A good and bad point about my boy is that he is honest. He is the most honest person you can meet in our society.
The good thing is, he always tells you what he thinks about anything.
The bad point is, that he seriously tells you EVERYTHING he thinks about.....
And sometimes you rather not know, that he fingered other girls last week and totally liked it, or that he doesn't really like your booty, because it doesn't look sexy.
Sometimes you rather like hearing only positive things, things that dont hurt you.

So I told my friend about him, about things he did and said, and she cheered me on, cheered me up.
I poured my heart out to her every single time something happend, good or bad, didn't matter.

As time went by it just happened that both of them met and befriended each other.
I was happy, after all everyone liked my almost-boyfriend, but I oversaw one little detail.
I knew that he was sexual uncommitted, that he had no bond between sex and relationship, even though he mostly stopped sleeping with other girls when I confessed, what I love about him.
But I forgot that my friend was the same.
It was the reason why she understood, the reason why she could cheer me on, but also the reason why all of this happened.

As we met up as a group of three it was fun everytime.
But as we met up more often, the bond grew stronger, and the two sexual uncommitted got pushy as to why not try a threesome.
I knew I could shake it off as a joke, but I also knew that in every joke there is always a spark of truth and I brooded over it.

There it was again, the girl that changed for her surroundings, to be liked, to be loved, and to be praised, and so she somewhere on the way gave in to try.

I must admit it was fun. Especially because my dear boy has many sensible spots and alone you never reach all of them. It was nice to share this fun with someone and not to work alone.

But somewhere deep within me a little wound appeared.
I didn't really want to share.
I just go along with the flow, when I think i can live with that, but later on I wondered, if that was a good idea.

My boy constantly asked to repeat that evening, always asked for another threesome all the time.
He only stopped as I explained to him, that I dont like the idea of external women joining and being pushed into things. I'd initialize it myself if I want to. So he asked me, why I let it slide with my friend and I told him that it was, because I knew that she doesnt want anything serious from him.

But that explanation didn't have the outcome I wished for.

The both of them also met up without me, which normally would be no problem for friends, what they definitely had become until then.
But as I met up with my friend the next time she confessed something to me.
Something I definitely didn't want to hear from her OR him, it didn't matter, I just didnt want to hear it.
So they made out. With each other. So both of them had no will to resist fully. For my sake.
It was another wound deep within me. This time deeper and more hurtful. And it bled. It bled longtime, but I nursed it and told myself that it could happen. And Because my friend told me she tried to resist and just couldnt, I trusted her, that she would work on her to get better and not to let this happen again.

I trusted her.

And my trust got broken.

The next time she confessed the same thing to me, I got furious. At him and at her. But not as furious as aggressive people. I dont go slapping people. I go to talk to people and start crying in front of their face helplessly. Unable to talk in a calm voice.

And stupid as little me is, I didnt blame either one of them.
I talked with my friend and gave her one last chance, but I did no longer trust her in that subject.
And I waited too long to talk to my boy to be crying and to make an impression by being emotional.
I cleared my feelings beforehand with my twinsister and sorted out what was important to talk about.
I failed, of course.
My boy is that kind of person that's too cute to be angry at for too long.

Well, time passed.

He now is officially my boyfriend, though it's an open relationship only he uses.
My friend? She cancelled our long before planned graduation trip, so I got annoyed at her.
Since then we havent met or written and I banned her out of my mind.

I trusted her.

She broke my trust.

I forgave her.

She butchered it.

I gave up on her.

And so my heart got a scar that cannot easily be repaired.

Broken trust is something that cannot be glued together again.
Not like broken cups or plates.

Trust is the base of all relationships and if that ever is broken, it may be repairable, but it can never be the same again.