How it all Started (James x reader)

How it all Started

"Lil, is there something that you're not telling me?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've never really asked about James and I before."

"Well, I mean it's your relationship. It's really none of my business. Besides, you've got Sirius, Remus and Peter to ask you annoying questions about it."

I laughed, "I guess you're right."

We stopped talking and tried to get to sleep after that. As I was lieing there, I heard a small sigh coming from Lily's bed. All I could think was that maybe this ridiculous plan of James' was working a lot better than I thought it would.

It took me about two days for me to decide to tell James. I was so conflicted. I wanted James to be happy and have what he wanted, but Lily was what he wanted. He deserved to know. Plus, in those two days, I noticed even more things about Lily. She would make sure not to make eye contact with James or I if we were together and it was never just the three of us. In any situation that could lead to us being alone, she would make up an excuse and leave before it would happen. When she and I were alone, she wouldn't stop asking about James. I couldn't help but feel my heart drop when I caught her staring at him from across the common room. She liked him, it was clear to me. But as far as Sirius, he was just Sirius. And it didn't even bother me. Sirius could like whoever the fuck he wanted to because I sure as hell didn't like him anymore. I had eyes for James and only James. But James had eyes for Lily. So I brought James to the room of requirement to tell him about her feelings.

"Okay, so what do you want to do?" he asked, dropping his bag on a couch that had showed up in the middle of the room.

"Well, actually I have something to tell you."

"Yeah, what?"

"This incredibly stupid plan that we have going on, just might be working."

"Really? Sirius?"

"No. Lily."

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah, she won't stop asking me about you and I saw her staring at you this morning."

"Wow. I can't believe this." he smiled. I loved his smile. I just wanted him to be happy and if being with Lily would make him happy, than I would help him try to win her over.

"So what do you want to do?" I asked.

"I think I should go talk to her. Wait, what about you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to just go after Lily and leave you alone. What about Sirius?"

"James, to be honest, I don't think I like Sirius anymore."

"Really? Are you sure?"

"Yes. It's really sweet of you to not want me to be alone, but I'll be fine. I promise. Now go after Lily."

After that day, everyone knew that it had all been fake. James and I had been dating so that he could make Lily jealous. He kept the part about me liking Sirius to himself, which I was thankful for. The new and very happy couple were absolutely adorable to everyone else. I tried to be happy for them, I really did. I tried to look at them and see what everybody else saw. A good match. But it seemed like the harder I tried, the harder I fell. I wanted to be where Lily was. In James' arms. Next to him at the table. Partners with him in class. His date to Hogsmeade. I just wanted James. It was tearing me apart to be honest. I couldn't sleep and I didn't talk as much because I just felt sad all the time. Every damn time they walked into a room, I saw nothing but James. The rest of the world seemed to blur when he was there and I wasn't complaining about that, but it was becoming too much.

I was a very stressed person. I had ways of coping with it and so I tried some of them. Pretty soon, I was drawing, writing, playing piano and cooking at least once everyday. These methods always helped, but this time I felt no difference. I finally decided to write a letter to James. One that he would never receive. I never knew why, but writing letters to people usually seemed to help. Maybe it was because I was finally getting some of it out of my head and down onto paper.

Dear James,

I love you. That's the easiest and most truthful way to put it. I've loved you since the first week we started fake dating to make Lily and Sirius jealous. I look back at that and wish I had just told you, because now you're with Lily and I'm falling apart. I don't know if these feelings will go away, but for now, they're here and I can't do anything about them.

I want you to know how much you mean to me. I know that you will never read this, but it needs to be in words. I wish the world would stop turning for a minute because I have so many thoughts and it's making my head spin. I want to be with you. I want to go back to the way it was when we were pretending to date because I had never been happier. I want to be happy with you. That's the problem right there. Happy. I want you to be happy too and what would make you happy right now is to be with Lily. So as long as you're smiling and I don't get pushed away, these pathetic confessions of love will never leave this letter. My thoughts about you will remain exactly that. Thoughts.

Love Y/N