A Loaded Smile - Kellic

1

"You fucking liar" I yelled to myself as I read the text message over and over. With the tears running down my face. Fuck that ass, but I still can't seem to let him go. I still love him, but he doesn't love me back.
I know where to go where everything will be ok again after. A place I used to go to before I met him. A place where I'd spend hours after school thinking and contemplating life and death, and to get away from the shit my parents put on me.
As I sit here and stare up at the stars and think about all I've done wrong in life, and how much I'd love to join the stars and escape this dreadfully awful life I have.
I'm reminded of all that's happened in just the last few hours and I have a plan. It's always been a habit of mine, sitting here watching people get on and off. Making up scenarios to myself for each person I saw interesting enough.
This isn't the first time I've felt like this, I've never been good with life, life just isn't for everyone and I know it's not for me. What's life anyway? You're born try not to die young and then just survive as long as possible; if your lucky you find someone to spend it with someone who you love and they love you unconditionally. But that's not always the case I know cause my parents are divorced and they've been most of my life so I don't know anything about a happy life. My mother was sad her marriage ended, then my father moved away and I didn't see him much, mother was distant with my brother and I so we didn't talk to her much. That's when it all started.
The depression and self hatred and everything that went with it. It didn't affect my bother as much cause he was younger and by the time mother was over it and able to take of us again. He was around eleven, I was fifteen then so it was too late for me. Then a few years later I crashed and burned, I had a breakdown. Then I met him.
He was perfect. He was everything to me.
But none of that matters now. Nothing matters with out him. Life has no purpose without him. But he doesn't care, he had a life without me. He never cared, he even told me that. He helped me and got me on my feet then the throws me away. He did this to me. He's also a part of the reason in here right now and about to do this. As I look around me there's a small group of teens to my left, a mother and child on the right and a man on his phone behind me, all of them seem content with their own lives, and have no idea what I'm about to do. But for some reason there's a lot of people here right now. And that makes it all the more harder, because the more witnesses there are the more of a chance I have to live and be saved, I don't want that, I can't have that.
But that's not going to stop me from doing this in the least, but that's the chance I have to take for doing this at rush hour. But as I step towards the ledge. I hear the whistle blowing, meaning that it's coming and it's now or never, not much time left, so I throw my self off the edge and I fall onto the tracks with a smile on my face as everything goes black. . .

My fate is now being determined my mother and a doctor who thinks they know what's best for me. I wasn't supposed to be in the hospital right now, I was supposed to be dead. I knew I should have waited until it was later in the day. If I ever meet the asshole that picked me up from the tracks I will yell at them so much for ruining my death, and happiness. Even if I don't know what that is anymore.

I keep getting flashbacks to that day. I've been in this hospital bed for I think a week now. But as soon as I'm outta here I'm going to make sure I'm never coming back. They said I suffered a minor concussion from the impact of the fall, and a couple fractured ribs. I could careless. They said that it could have been worse and that I'm lucky I got away with so few injuries. But I'm not lucky, I'm quite the opposite, in fact if I was lucky I wouldn't be here right now, I'd be six feet under.

He hasn't even come to see me or see if I was ok or any of that bullshit. And why should he, after all the pain he's caused me. After a year and a half of cheating on me, and breaking it off through a fucking text message and putting all my shit in boxes and leaving them out on the porch of what was supposed to be our home together. I was nothing but faithful to him for the past three fucking years, since high school. That asshole has the audacity to cheat, lie and break up through text, he couldn't even look me in the fucking face like a real man. He knew I was fragile from the beginning but he did it anyway. He fucking knew about everything and did it anyway. You know what they say true friends stab you in the front.