This chapter has been edited
Have you ever felt so numb you couldn't breathe? Felt as though a certain event was clogged up in your chest, blocking the air that was meant to freshen you up , that was meant to keep you sane and happy. I chuckled in disgust, happiness and sanity...whoever knew I'd come to question these things...
"It's not your fault, honey, you didn't do anything...You couldn't have stopped it all from happening..." Olivia, the new girl at school, or at least she was two months ago, took my hand in hers in a feeble attempt to comfort me.
I feel bile rising in my throat as I think of what it was like back then...How could two months change everything, absolutely everything?
"Liv's right, you have no reason to feel any regret, she brought it upon herself..." Blake backed her up.
"We were all in this, we all are involved" I hissed, yanking my arms way, glaring at the two of them "If we hadn't agreed to this stupid deal, then maybe we wouldn't be in this position right now! My sister is dead! And don't you dare tell me it's not my fault because it is..."
Tears pricked the edges of my eyes...The events that night were imprinted on my eyelids, scarring my heart and tainting my soul. I couldn't eat or sleep without thinking that she could have been here, eating and sleeping in my place. I wasn't sure which was greater, the regret or the guilt. Right now they seemed to mean the same things, that I was a horrible human being.
I sat down in the first row of the funeral service next to the rest of my family and took in a big breath, as my mum stepped forward to give her speech.
"First of all, I'd like to thank you all for joining us on this day. I'm sure my daughter would have greatly appreciated it " She glanced at the casket with a sad smile.
I zone out of the speech and look down at my own; I had spent ages preparing it. The speech seemed fake, and it was, Blake and Olivia had helped me prepare it last night, they made it so foolproof that I wanted desperately to believe it, to make it reality. After all, how do you tell everyone that you and your friends agreed to an extremely dodgy deal that ended up with your sister dying?
It wasn't pleasant, but nothing really is in life.
My father had just finished his speech and was walking towards the first row, which meant that I was next. I got up slowly.
"Many people couldn't tell me and my sister apart...you might say, well of course, after all you're twins, but that's not the only reason. We shared a lot of secrets, we had such a strong bond that it was impossible to keep anything from each other"
I started crying, this wasn't true, this was all a lie, we had plenty of secrets, the reason all this had happened in the first place. If only I'd told her...If only...
I finish the speech like a robot, trying my hardest to keep my emotions under lock and key. I read the words off the paper. Robotically. Word after word. Sentence after sentence. I find myself done. Finished with the long speech.
I stand there for a while, my tears visible to the entire crowd. I look at Olivia whose head is ducked, I couldn't tell from the distance but she was probably crying. We had ruined her life, or at least that's what it felt like. Blake was looking right at me, with a straight face. He was the only thing keeping me from having a mental breakdown and I wanted to thank him for that. Then, my eyes travel to Jenna, who gasped in surprise, as though she hadn't expected me to look straight at her. I gave one last deep breath and stepped off the podium walking towards her coffin.
It just sat there, still. It's weird when you lose someone you love. A very weird feeling settles in your stomach, your mind is light as though in a dream, a trance even and you're stomach heavy, with anger or, in my case, guilt. I looked at her one last time and reached out a shaky hand accompanied by a shaky breath and stroked her dimples.
I jerked back my hand from surprise, she was colder than I thought...
I couldn't take it anymore and so with the piece of paper the speech was written on in my hands I fast walked out of the doors everyone staring at me in curiosity, some in pity. I heard Blake call my name out but I blurred everything out and just kept on walking...
walking and walking...
The guilt eating away at my soul slowly but quickly...
~~~
Hey Guys, I really hope this book turns out to be successful because from what I'm imagining, it should be filled with red herrings!! Before you continue with the rest of the book here are a few things I wanted to go over:
1) No negativity here, please be as nice as possible, however I still do accept constructive criticism, remember there is a difference between being rude and giving honest advice.
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xoxo That_One_Girl
