Never Have I Ever

Chapter 21

"Oh!" Someone gasped in surprise. "I - I'm sorry, I didn't realize...," they trailed off slowly. It was a woman's voice, and I knew it had to be a nurse. I jumped out of Nash's hospital bed, a flush rising in my chest. I couldn't believe someone just walked in on me making out with Nash, straddling him while he had rib injuries. I stared at the ground, too mortified to look up.

"Can I help you with something?" As usual, Nash was his rude self. His voice was gruff and unpleasant, and I couldn't help but think of how different his voice was only seconds ago, quivering and soft.

I finally looked up to see the nurse looking at Nash almost nervously. I could see why. His eyes were focused on hers, unflinchingly staring at her. I didn't know how he did that. She looked away from him and I swear I saw his lips quirk up slightly at her discomfort. "You're allowed to leave today," she informed him.

He nodded curtly at her, his arms crossed over his chest. She hurried out soon after, and I didn't blame her. I was sure if he tried hard enough, fire could shoot out of his eyes. He sat up in his bed, his lips quirked up slightly, like, I'm-invicible-and-nothing-can-hurt-me-especially-not-you. All his vulnerability was gone. He was gone. I wanted to scream. I swallowed hard, willing myself not to cry.

"So that's it, then?" I asked him, wrinkling my nose to hide the hurt, clenching my fists to keep from punching him. He took away the good, every time.

There was still a faint smirk on his lips, but his eyebrows furrowed as he stared at me. "What? What do you mean?" 

"You were never going to tell me, were you? You just don't trust me with this." My voice was shaking just as hard as his had been only moments ago. I felt so far from him. And I felt tears of anger pooling in my eyes at the fact that he had promised to tell me, and now I knew that had been a lie. I had kissed him and my feelings rushed back full force. All he ever did was play games. I didn't want to play anymore.

He glared at me slightly and it stung.  "Do we really have to do this?" he asked me in a low voice. I hated when he made me feel like I was the one doing something wrong. Especially right now. All I ever did was care about him. 

"You said you'd stop hurting me. You're hurting me right now," I said and hated the shake in my voice, hated the way tears were already dripping from my eyes, hated that his expression didn't soften in the slightest, a condescending smirk still on his face, taunting me.

A grin I'd grown to hate spread across his lips, cynical and bitter. "I hurt everyone, sweetheart. What makes you think you're so special?" 

The boy who'd begged me not to leave him wasn't here; the boy who'd traced his fingers down my face and kissed me so gently as if I was glass, as if he was afraid I would break, was gone. 

My lips rolled into my mouth and my face crumpled and finally, I saw a crack in his armour. His grin slackened and slowly, it fell right off his face. I turned slightly away from him.

And then I was running. I heard Nash call for me, but I didn't slow down. I didn't feel the excited way I did when I was running from Scott, or from my mother. I didn't feel that rush of adrenaline, finally getting to run away from someone instead of the other way around. I felt like I was going to throw up, or pass out. Or both. I ran past the receptionist. Her face fell when she saw the tears running in streams down my face. 

I hated him for it. For the way he flipped so quickly. I hated the way he could make his voice not shake anymore, completely close himself off to me. Be invincible. Be cruel. He could do it all, just like that. At the snap of his fingers.

I was in the parking lot. My car was in my line of sight. Soon, I could go home. I would lie down and close my eyes, and pretend I'd never come. Pretend I'd never known him. I knew deep down that was impossible. I could not forget blue eyes like the ocean, and shaking hands and haunted dreams. But god damnit, I would try.