The Downfall | A Sidemen AU |

ethan

Trigger warning: Heavy mentions of anxiety and anxiety attacks. Strong language.

Song: Moments by One Direction

Ethan's POV

Bright lights.

That's all I see as I turn on my computer screen to try to record a new video.

Ironically, bright lights are what I see when I have panic attack. Although they aren't as bright as my computer screens, more of a simmer, like the little light that peeks from the corner of your sunglasses when it's sunny.

I didn't always have panic attacks. It started once I actually started to get views on YouTube and people were actually commenting. A lot were rude and hateful, causing me to feel anxiety whenever I would go online or upload a video.

The lads knew about the anxiety but I told them not to worry about it because it literally didn't bother me that much. Of course it was always lingering and I'd always have a few anxiety attacks along the way but I got through it, it was nothing unbearable.

However, recently I feel like my anxiety has been acting up. Maybe it's the comments that are getting to me. I mean, I feel like I could always do better on my videos even though I put in full effort to make it amazing, sometimes it's just not good enough.

The internet and media puts a lot of pressure on you.

Anxiety makes me feel like I'm trapped in a bubble. And in this bubble, there is everything that is causing me issues, pain, and stress in life. And within these 'things' there is always room to overthink, making me feel even more trapped. In this giant bubble, there is no easy way out. I just have to put up with it until it decides to pop unless something miraculous comes in the path of me and pops it itself. But that's very rare.

Vik recommended me anxiety pills before. Something that contains magnesium or some shit, I don't know. I don't wanna go through the hassle just to get some pills that probably don't even work.

I just woke up from a nap so I feel slightly refreshed but I promised Josh that I would record games with him today so that means I have to get up and get my computer up.

Filming gives me the worst anxiety ever because so much could go wrong. Internet could fail, you could say something wrong, you could look bad and not even realize it, or people just might not like it overall. And that's frightening.

I go to my computer and I turn it on. Skype is already open from the previous recording session so all I have to do now is make sure my audio is on and my recording software is ready.

Suddenly, my computer beeps and I see I'm getting a chat on Skype from Josh.

-hey behz you ready to record???
-yeah call me

A few moments later, there is the call and I answer.

"Hey Dad," I say jokingly, trying to lighten up the mood of my emotions.

"Hey, Ethan," he says with a slight smirk but it's weird cause it's not a full smirk. It's like I can see the sadness in his eyes. Is he ok? Maybe he took it offensive when I called him dad. Oh no why did I do that. I remember he has a lot of family shit going on right now, I should've approached him nicer.

"You alright?" I ask him as he gets quiet.

"Yeah I'm fine," he replied and starts clicking stuff on his computer screen.

"Ok. So are we recording rocket league?" I asked.

"Yeah, that's what I was planning. You got any better ideas?" He replies while still trying to pull up his game. Oh no, did I make him think that his idea was bad. No, I didn't mean that, I meant to just reassure that we were doing that. Now I feel like shit.

"No, your idea is great," I try to fix it but hopefully he doesn't get hurt by it. I start to load my game to distract myself.

"Alright, let me know when you're ready to start."

"My game isn't loading, piece of shit," and as soon as the words came out, I felt like I shouldn't have said that. What if he thinks that I'm calling him a piece of shit. No! I was calling the game a piece of shit.

You're so dumb, Ethan.

"No, I... I didn't mean it that way.... I meant that.... I'm just.... I'm sorry," I stutter as I start to panic. No, no, no please no panic attack. Not right now.

"Ethan? What? What are you trying to say," Josh questions as he notices my distress.

"I... can't," I try to form words but my mind is running wild. I've fucked up our conversation and now it's awkward and now Josh thinks I called him a piece of shit when really he's one of the best friends I've ever had.

"Ethan! Are you ok?"

I feel dizzy and I see those bright lights that are all too familiar. I take deep breaths but my chest hurts.

You're shit, Ethan.
Why were you so mean to Josh.
Be a better person.

The voices in my head are getting louder. The voices always come out during panic attacks.

"Ethan! Breathe!" I hear Josh panicking.

I can feel myself shaking. And it feels like it's going on forever until I hear someone in my flat. And I wonder if a fan has broken in to come attack me and tell me how bad I am at my job but no it's not a mean fan.

Because as soon as the person runs through the bedroom door, I feel safe. It's Tobi.

"Ethan! Hello!? Are you ok!?" He's panicking and looking at me in the face.

"Shit he's having a panic attack," Tobi says to the Skype call.

"Look at me, Ethan. Deep breaths, come on, think of good things. Think of happy thoughts and calm down," Tobi says as he holds a firm grip on my arms and is trying to remain calm.

After what feels like forever, I can finally see and breathe normal again. I look up at Tobi.

"You scared the shit out of me," he said and clutched a hand to his own chest.

"Me too," I hear Josh say on the Skype.

"How did you know I was having one," I ask Tobi.

"I got a text from Josh telling me to go to your flat ASAP because you were freaking him out," Tobi replies. I nod in response and look down. Gosh that panic attack made me feel like shit.

"You haven't had a panic attack in awhile, yeah?" Josh says.

"Yeah..." I reply and start thinking about the last one. I was alone last time, it was about two weeks ago. I've never had two panic attacks this close to each other.

That was scary and I'm glad Tobi and Josh didn't ask what triggered it because I don't want to get into that.

But then Tobi went back to his flat and the recording session went on. But afterwards, I felt drained.

I felt hurt and tired. And I wished this day would be over already. But it scares me knowing that this will happen again.

I feel trapped.