The Inside

: Trapped in his own mind, Draco can’t cope with the loss of Harry. Filled with self-blame and hatred, is there even a point to look forward to tomorrow? 

“I’m sorry” I whispered softly with a shaky voice, while looking lovingly into Harry’s glazed over eyes. It was as if they were penetrating through my body, as if they could see into the very depths of my soul. His chapped lips were slowly forming the first syllables of my name. He never got to finish. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you”. I couldn’t avert my gaze for even a second, I just held him. His limp, lifeless body was just lying in my arms, blood slowly oozing out of his skull. My vision has become blurred with all the tears I was shedding, I felt as if I might suffocate from the amount of sobbing I did. The Boy Who Lived suddenly became the Boy Who Would’ve Lived, were it not for a failure like me. He died trying to save me, when in all honesty, he was the one who needed saving. He risked everything for me; his friends, his family, his LIFE. And after everything we’ve been through, this was his fate.

I didn’t want to leave him. I couldn’t bring myself to do that. All I wanted was to hold him in my arms forever and never let him go. I will never find another person like he was, never again. In my world of death, pain and terror, he was my only hope. He was the thing that kept me going, that made me look forward to the next day. He was my saving grace. He was different. I loved him. And I never got to tell him that, because I was afraid. Afraid of not being loved back. So I stayed content and kept putting it off, ignoring my feelings. And I realised too late that if we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.

But it’s too late now. I lost him. Forever. I never appreciated what I had until it was no longer mine; until it was no longer there. He was gone. My love for him was like an Autumn Crocus flower, beautiful yet toxic. Like a flame, if loved correctly he could warm your heart, but if abused, he will set your whole house ablaze. And just like any other stupid kid, I played with fire and ended up getting burnt. A metaphor that is not taken seriously enough and is usually overlooked. But the reality is that we never think of the consequences. We’re just self-obsessed people, worrying only when things don’t go our way. I disgust myself.

It was my fault. It was all my fault that he wasn’t here anymore. I should have never manipulated him into coming with me. I knew he couldn’t handle it. But I insisted, solely because I was a coward. I KNEW HE COULDN’T HANDLE IT AND I MANIPULATED HIM. If only I would’ve just been man enough to go alone, none of this would’ve happened. I should’ve left him in the Gardens, he would’ve been safe there. I still remember the first time I took him there. He looked beautiful in the moonlight, His auburn hair forming a halo around his face. His eyes had the power to lighten up the sky. And his smile? His smile set my heart ablaze. He was like a poem – short, beautiful and carrying so much meaning behind the lyrics. Sometimes he was difficult to understand, but once you learned to read in between the lines, it’s just like falling in love. But no, I had to insist on him coming with me; because I was selfish and weak. I was the death of him, and that is the cruel reality. And I am so, so sorry!

They say that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. But in that instant, I wish I would’ve never met Harry. Never gone over to him and said “hello”. Just the word should’ve been a big enough hint, there’s always a ‘hell’ in hello and an ‘end’ in friendship. I never ought to go and introduced myself in the first place. Maybe he would’ve still been here. Alive. I missed him so much. Oh God, words cannot describe how much I missed him. It was almost as if a part of me was gone. Dead. There was not a day that passed without me looking back with regret. I killed Harry.

I never learned to love again. He was all I could ever think of, constantly playing on my mind. It destroyed me inside, not to be able to say goodnight to him anymore. I feel lost and I would give up all of my tomorrows for just one yesterday with him. And I cost a boy his life, because I was afraid to love him; but you can’t love someone back to life. No matter how hard you try. No amount of prayers could bring him back; no amount of sleepless nights could fix my mistakes; no number of the scars left on my body could make me forgive myself for what I did to him. Love… Love isn’t meant to hurt.

Ever since I lost him, I became cruel. I became numb. Incapable of feeling any human emotions. I was just a lifeless shell, soaring through life with no purpose. I was merely surviving, hanging on by only a thread. Without Harry, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I spend every second of every day just wandering, waiting for the end. It never came. The day I lost him, that is the day that I realised that monsters don’t secrete under our beds, rather they hide within our souls and in the very depths of our minds…