A Love To Remember

Chapter 50: Her Decision

Parang kailan lang, siya ang nagsosorry sa' kin but now, the tables have turned, ako naman ang humihingi ng tawad sa lahat ng mga nagawa ko.

"Did you call me.. anak? Alam niyo na po?" she asked curiously kaya napabitaw naman ako ng yakap sa kanya as I wiped my tears away at tumango while facing her.

"Yes, and you know it before we do, so why didn't you tell us?" tanong ko, umiwas naman siya ng tingin at napayuko na lang.

"You won't believe me if I do so.." bulong niya and that hits me. Ganyan na ba ako kamanhid para hindi mapansin ang mga bagay-bagay sa paligid?

"Chia.. I'm sorry, I didn't mean those words. I'm really sorry." wika ni Aga kaya agad namang napaangat ng tingin si Chiara.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry too Daddy. I'm sorry for hurting the both of you. I'm really sorry." she said at tuluyan ng napahagulgol while kept on uttering words that she's sorry.

"Kami dapat ang mag-sorry, wala kang kasalanan. Ssshh, stop crying na." saad ko while caressing her long hair, she's still crying kaya using my hands, I lift her chin up and wipe her tears away using my thumb.

"Mama.." pabulong na wika nito at kaagad na niyakap ako, I was stunned for a moment after hearing that word from her.

Ang sarap sa pakiramdam na tawagin ka niyan ng sariling anak mo. The feeling is a hundred times way better than being complimented, than being praised, than winning a new award. It felt so good na nagsimula naman na akong umiyak but this time, tears of joy na.

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Chiara

I'm actually expecting na the moment I woke up, makikita ko na si Santanas sa harap ko because technically, I assumed that after cutting my wrist again, mamatay na talaga ako but look at me now, still alive and breathing.

Ewan ko ba kung ba't buhay pa ako eh--- it's not like hindi ako thankful, it's just that sa dinami-dami ng kasalanan ko sa mundo, shouldn't I be burning and being tortured in hell right now?

Other people deserved to live more than I do, tsaka isa pa, I'm having this unexplainable feeling, nanghihina ako na ewan. The last time that I've been hospitalized after cutting my wrist, hindi naman ganto ang nararamdaman ko ah.

"You want more?" tanong ni Mama--- it's kinda awkward to call her that pero dapat masanay na ako, ito naman ang pinangarap ko 'di ba? Ang makasama sila ni Daddy at kilalanin nila ako bilang anak nila.

"I'm full na po.." sagot ko, ngumiti lang siya at tumango na sabay lapag ng pinggan na pinagkainan ko sa side table.

Nakaupo si Mama sa chair sa gilid ng kama ko at si Daddy naman, nasa tabi niya lang and their eyes are both swollen. Looks like they have something to say but they're just to hesitant to do it.

"May sasabihin ba kayo sa' kin?" I asked, nakakabinging katahimikan ang nangyayari sa aming tatlo and I'm obviously not buying it.

"We have.." Dad answered at nagsimula ng bumilis ang pintig ng puso ko... parang alam ko na kung saan pupunta 'to.

"Chia... may leukemia ka." wika ni Mama as my mouth formed an oh after hearing that.

Kung ang iba, nagdadalamhati after knowing this but me.. I don't feel bad, or sad, nababahala, pwede pa. Hindi na ako nagulat, I already have an idea na may sakit nga ako after getting those bruises without doing anything.

Tanggap ko na, besides, nakilala naman ako ng mga magulang ko and that's the only goal I have in life. Wala namang rason para mabuhay pa ako, 'di ba?

"But don't worry Chia, gagaling ka. Chemotherapy can do the work, you'll be eventually cured." sabi ni Daddy kaya agad naman akong napailing dahil dun. Ayaw ko, ayaw ko.

"I don't want to, ayaw ko po mag-chemo. I don't want to be treated." giit ko, making their eyes widened in surprised.

"What did you said? Ayaw mong magpa-chemo?" Mama asked me and I can hear a tone of anger from her voice.

"Ayaw ko." I answered sternly, ayaw ko ng gumaling. Nakakapagod ring mabuhay eh, after this, what would happen next? Oo nga, masaya ako pero sa kabila ng lahat, natrauma na ako. Pagkatapos kong makaranas ng kasiyahan, susunod naman ang mga paghihirap and it sucks.

"Naririnig mo ba ang sarili mo, Chiara? Ayaw mong gumaling? What the heck are you thinking?" pasigaw na tanong ni Mama na ngayo'y umiiyak na naman, umiwas ako ng tingin because it hurts seeing her cry because of me.

"Sorry but I don't want to live anymore." I whispered and the next thing I knew, napapitlag ako sa gulat ng biglang hampasin ni Mama ang pinggan na nakapatong sa side table kaya nahulog ito at gumawa ng malakas na ingay.

"You don't want to live anymore? What kind of decision is that? Are you crazy, Chiara? Other people are fighting to live their life and there you are, you still have the chance to be cured but you don't want to? Ano ba?!" she yelled at me once more as Dad tried to calm her.

"I'm not those other people! I don't want to be treated because I'm tired! Nakakapagod na! And how sure you are na kung mag-chemo nga ako, gagaling ako kaagad? Mama, Daddy, almost all of leukemia patients died because they didn't make it!" hindi ko na maiwasan ang hindi rin mapasigaw.

"You're unbelievable.." saad niya at parang tuluyan ng nanghina sa narinig.

Am I? I'm only saying this not because I'm selfish but it's because ayaw ko silang masaktan, ayaw ko silang umasa na mabubuhay pa ako. Okay na eh, okay lang na ako ang masaktan pero Daddy, especially Mama? I can't stand seeing them being miserable and it's all because of me.

"I'm sorry Mama but my decision is final. Ayaw kong mag-chemo." I hissed at dahang-dahang humiga as I closed my eyes, ignoring the words they say.

Masakit mang marinig ang paghikbi ni Mama, nagbingi-bingihan ako. I'm doing this for them dahil habang maaga pa, habang hindi pa namin masyadong kilala ang isa't-isa, ako na ang bibitiw dahil sa oras na tumagal, mas lalo silang masasaktan, mas lalo akong masasaktan dahil alam ko sa sarili ko, hindi ko kakayanin ang lahat ng 'to..

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