Searching for Light

Chapter Five: Soft and Fragile

He reached me and picked up one of the black helmets from the seat. He grinned as he pulled it over my head and adjusted it. I was still uncertain of why we were about to ride a go-cart, but I went with it. He put the other helmet on himself and we climbed in. He got in the driver's seat and helped me in next to him. The mini vehicle jolted forward, tossing my back against the seat. J.J. pulled my seatbelt across my waist and laughed against the wind as our speed increased. He had both hands on the wheel and I had a strap holding me down, but I grasped his strong, tensed arm anyway. It wasn't so much I was scared of falling off as much as it was I was scared he could slip out of my arms.

And having lost almost every single person I loved, I knew how easily that could happen.

I forgot about the drama as quickly as it came to my mind. My hair flapped around in the wind as we turned sharply and headed up a small hill. I screamed and panic when he turned again sharply, sending one side of the go-cart tipping almost sideways and we were almost sent rolling down the hill on our side. The cart balanced itself and we went flying down the other side of the small hill. We did this for at least a half an hour before J.J. stopped. Everything felt so calm and serene as the wind was completely dead and the only sound besides our breaths was the vague chirping of crickets.

"Your turn," J.J. grinned, unbuckling and hoisting me over his lap to the driver's side. I buckle myself again, my adrenaline still rushing. My heart pounded and the very second J.J.'s seatbelt clicked, my foot was on the gas. We zoomed around, nearly flipping onto our side, far more often than when he was driving. J.J. puts one hand on the bar in front of him and rested his other arm on the back of the seat behind me, as though he was worried on of us might get tossed out the next time I turned. I pushed harder on the gas, the small car flying so fast that the wheels could have been on fire.

Suddenly we hit a bump and one side lifted over the other, sending us rolling to our side and J.J. nearly on top of me. When we settled on our side J.J. unbuckled me and I basically fell to the ground. He fell right next to me and we crawled out from inside the vehicle. I sat next to him on the hill and noticed the sky's color. It had turned bright orange with light pink and a little bit of purple mixed in with it. It was so beautiful, I wished it would stay the same forever so I could look at it.

"Happy birthday, Loon." I turned to look at J.J. He smiled a little, showing his ridiculously handsome dimples and perfect teeth. He seemed to know that I assumed he forgot.

"You remembered?"

"Of course I did," he laughed. "I just needed to look at my calendar first."

I tilted my head, acknowledging that his puppy eyes and soft hair sparkle and glimmer under the fading sunset. It made my heart melt to think that J.J. cares so much about me. All I ever wanted as a kid was to have someone adore me. When that didn't happen and my parents passed away, I took it personally and assumed it meant I was just a completely unlikable person without a purpose. But then there was J.J., who came along and made everything so much more complicated. He made me realize just that because one person or multiple people make big mistakes, doesn't mean they have to reflect on the type of person you truly are.

I mentally slapped myself for once again going all "Albert Einstein quotee" on myself again. It was insane how much I lectured myself as if my life was a reality television show.

My thoughts were cut off when I realize J.J. lifts his warm hand to my jaw and caresses my cheek, surprising me a little bit... But his big-night-of-surprises didn't end there.

He leaned forward and gently presses his lips against mine with a stall amount of strength, almost like he was holding himself back.

I didn't want him to hold back, though. I hadn't kissed anyone in years, and I completely forgot what crazy feeling it is. Crazy as in breath-taking and magical. Almost like an actual fire bursts into flame, sending actual sparks flying into the air.

I kissed him back, moving my hand to his chest slowly, lowering it to barely place my hand on the side of his abdomen. I was almost afraid that if I actually touched him he'll pull away too quickly.

I pulled away first after some time, and it took him a moment to open his eyes again.

That was fast, I thought to myself. We've barely been on any dates and have already kissed.

He looked up at me from his lowered gaze before dropping his hand from my face.

"J . . ." I whispered, my heart still thumping in my chest and my lips feeling soft and fragile. He took my hand and half-smiled at me with a mischievous look.

I wanted to kiss him again so badly, but I knew it wasn't the appropriate time. It was a one-time thing, at least for tonight. I swallowed and watch him as he played with my fingers calmly. I relaxed and leaned against his arm.

He folded our hands together after a few serene minutes. "Hey, it's getting dark. The guy will come to pick up the cart, you want to head to dinner?"

I smiled and nodded. We stood, and I made my way back up the hill under J.J.'s arm.

...

I shut the front door and leaned against it, my face hurting from smiling so much. I pulled out my phone when it buzzed, and look at the text from J.J.

J.J.: You get in ok?

I read it again, my mind still spinning with excitement. I type back a reply and send it.

Me: Yeah. Thanks for tonight, btw.

J.J.: Of course. I'm glad you liked it... That's sort of what I was going for:)

Me: Never: Ha-ha. Good night, J.J.

J.J.: Night, Loon.

"There you are," Harmony said from the top of the stairs in her grey pajamas. "Another date?"

I nodded, heading towards her.

"Are you ever gonna tell me who this stranger is? I can't stand the suspense any longer."

I smiled and walked up the stairs. "Give it time, okay? I want to have a little privacy before everyone finds out."

"And by everyone you mean me," she confirmed.

"You, Clarity, Rebeka, and especially Ethan."

"What happened with Ethan?"

"Didn't I tell you? He had a huge crush on me when I was back at the district."

Her jaw dropped and I laughed. "Never mind. Point is, I don't want attention, or jealousy, so give us time."

"What about J.J.?" she asked.

"Huh?"

"You've told him who your boyfriend is, haven't you?"

I hesitated. "Well, yeah . . ."

"Come on, Cam. We're family. I don't care if J.J.'s your best friend, I'm your sister."

I rolled my eyes, too happy to get agitated. "Alright. I'll keep that in mind. Night, Har." I shut my door once she returned to her bedroom, and plopped down on my bed with tired eyes but an invincible smile. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and looked at the picture I managed to take sneakily while J.J. was looking ahead. He was smiling, but I sidet remember what for. He had his arm around me and there was an orangish-colored sunset behind us. I remembered taking it when we were hiking up a grassy mountain after our first kiss. I could still feel his timid hand on my cheek, and his restrained lips against mine. I closed my eyes, the photo of us glued to my mind with all of its colors and magic.