The Diary Of A Broken Gay Boy

January 1

"Happiness, happiness, happiness, happiness is the state of being happy."

"Now in your own words."

"Happiness is the state of being happy. It involves actually being happy. To be happy your in the state of happiness. In my own words happiness is a waste of time it leads to hurt. Being in the state of happy is temporary and last longer then a blink of an eye but less then 10 heart beats."
I looked up to meet my English teacher's eyes and saw the shock on her face. She looked like she just saw a murder. I was right its just a big time bull shiter. Something i didn't have time for. I was once happy and that got stolen away in a blink of an eye but it took 10 heart beats to bring my back to reality. She doesn't understand the agony that happiness brings to people the amount of hurt and aching it causes. She doesn't understand how your happiness is a timeline that never gets to it's destiny.

The bell rang and it was time to go to lunch. See i don't have friends so instead of going to the cafeteria I leave to go get food. Friends are a worthless thing to have, they just disappoint in the end. I'm not a loner i choice to not have friends because i don't depend on people for a good time or to keep me entertained. I read, that's my tv. A book can take you in a whole new reality rather a tv show or a movie can distract you from the reality that you are in.

Somtimes I ask myself is it ok to hate. Hate yourself. I hate everything about me: I'm biracial so I never fit in, I'm gay there for I'm a  sin abound humanity, I'm fat and a partial reason why America is stupid, I'm overly intelligent so I'm come off as a know it all and a smart ass, I'm a disappointment to my father so much so that he couldn't pick me over his wife who treated me horrible and couldn't be there for me when i needed him the most, and lastly i hate myself for pitching to love yourself when I hate myself and I hate that I hate myself. I don't hate other people I'm too busy hating myself. I'm scared I wont succeeded so much so that it is a cause of why I slid in and out of depression.

Depression is feelings of severe despondency and dejection. In my eyes depression is like a snake it slivers in and out of your life as it choices. Like a snake it bits and has venom, that venom can sometimes kill. I don't self harm physically, I do it mentally. I make myself not eat, I tell myself your to fat for food your just disappointing your mother and the whole word. I tell myself you deserve to be hated your fat, gay, and biracial you will never fit in your just a waste of space. Your like Pluto no one wants to claim you and no one cares about you. Just stay far away cold and alone. Kill yourself.

I'm a bit of an outcast in society. I have problem that most people don't have. My father. Yes I know I said I was a disappointment to him but I wasn't always. He doesn't hate me because I'm gay if that's what you are thinking. After my mom died I thought my dad would kill him self, he when into a deep depression. I could understand he just lost the love of his life, the mother to his child, and best friend. I too went into a deep depression. My father saw me one day crying outside and walked over to me telling me that he was going to make it better, that we just needed a fresh start. So we moved. We were fine, my dad slowly but surely came out of depression but I slowly but surely slipped deeper and deeper into it. He tried everything. But it didn't work. He finally got a girlfriend that turned into his wife. I hated her as she hated me. I saw my father starting to be disappointed in me when he saw I was not trying to start over, that I didn't want to pretend that my life was going to get better. I used to play baseball and I was a cheerleader, two things that I loved so much. I quite both of these things because they couldn't bring me back to my happy place instead it just brought me more pain. Pain that I didn't need in my life. My father was not happy that I just quite. He wasn't happy when his straight A making son started to bring home Ds. I just didn't care. He didn't understand how I long for his love and how I longed for my mother. I was hurt. It didn't help that i would get bullied and asked about my father. And my mother. I didn't understand how he could just replace my mom, his wife, he's best friend. How he could just forget about me. This move was for the both of us and it started off good but when he replaced my mom my world came crumbling down. So you can say I'm disappointed in my father as well.

-------------------------------------------------------
If you guys like this story that I kinda just started writing let me know & I can continue writing it for you guys & Thank You to whom ever reads this & liked it. :)