Sixteen Years and Five Months

Untitled, Part 1

I'm sure you noticed that I have left my first chapter labelled as "Untitled, Part 1". And if you're wondering, yes i did this on purpose. I don't think this part of the story deserves an interesting or exciting name because my life was neither one of these. Up until the age of Sixteen and five months I didn't realise the state in which I was living. Clueless. Absolutely clueless about who I was (or i should say am as this is present tense) what my future held and why I was going to school. I have literally always loved school, I loved having a routine in my life, I felt I had something to achieve and work towards. This was all fine and dandy until early in my second last year of high school when my stress and anxiety was at an all time high. All my life I have been a perfectionist. (When you take dance classes from the age of three every single week of your life for fourteen years straight it kind of turns you into one.) It's not necessarily a bad thing but it's terrible when you're anxious about the smallest things, constantly trying to be good enough to meet your own standards and please other people. The hardest thing about being a perfectionist is when you realise you're not perfect and you will never be because no one simply is. There's always room for improvement I think to myself, always ways I can be better and do better especially in my school work. Having this constantly drilling me in the back of my head while trying to be happy about getting a C+ is one of the most frustrating things I've ever experienced.

I think every person is looking for something. Something to fill the void of unhappiness. I was and am happy, I'm one of those kids who is always smiling and trying to make the best of things. I'm also that kid who always see's the good in people and can find some bit of hope even if it's small. So I truly believe the unhappiness that I was suffering was a side effect of school. I felt like I was being continuously bashed down by my grades even though majority of the time i was putting 110% into everything that I did. I could literally feel the weight on my shoulders. My dream was to go to uni, get a well paying job, find a guy, get married buy a house have kids, the whole fairy tale. All of it. I believe this idea was so appealing to me because of my family situation. My parents met when they were young, they got married brought a house and had my brother and I. They love each other very much and I think I've always been inspired by that and I'm so so grateful to have the amazing loving family that I do. I am proud to be inspired by my parents I think they're amazing but the thing that I tried to fill my void with was boys, and not in a sexual way. I believe social media and the entertainment industry was also a huge factor in why i wanted this so bad. I absolutely love romance stories, what teenage girl doesn't? I wanted to be loved by someone who loved me for me and not because they were my family and they had to. Despite this I really believe that those teen romance movies have misled and misguided me into believing what I needed in my life. I have always been looking for love and "the one" but possibly looking in the wrong direction. I started to think maybe what I need is not a guy. Maybe I need something bigger than just a husband and family. I have been through my fair share of boys trust me because I truly thought that's what I was missing, but now I don't believe it was.